


Woke up in the world

by sylverkeller



Series: Woke up [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Gen, Keller is totally a goofball, M/M, Multi, Thorin is sometimes a dick, also, just saying, you'll lover her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-11 05:39:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3316214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylverkeller/pseuds/sylverkeller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keller Edan is a 22 year old working in a field she hates. In her off time she watches LOTR and the Hobbit series almost obsessively. One day, while visiting her mother on a rare vacation day, she wakes up to find herself in the world of Tolkein's books and Peter Jackson's marvelous movies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Keller vs Valar

I woke up with sunlight blinding me, "Gah! mom can't you see I'm trying to sleep!?" I pulled my blanket closer to my body, turning my body to lean into my pillow. Only to meet dirt and realize that I was not in fact pulling my soft fleece blanket but a scratchy unclean wool one (if the dirt i surely felt under my finger was any indicator).

I immediately sat up batting my eyes wildly as I ran my hands along myself to see if I was intact (interpret that as you will) before I could focus my eyes on a man in front of me who was laughing heartily.

"OI! What makes you think this is so funny?Don't you know its rude to kidnap people!" I yelled as I stood up, glad I still had my black sweats and captain america shirt on as I glared at the man....who ended up being several inches shorter than my six feet. "Where the hell am I?!"

The man stopped as he saw me towering over him, choosing to hold his hands up in a nonthreatening gesture, "Relax m'lady! I mean you no harm, I just saw you floating in the river yesterday and I couldn't just leave you there! That would be a bad representation of dwarves everywhere, 'specially since men seem to be the only folk who will hire us out."  
oh- this was another fanfiction dream ( i am the biggest LOTR fangirl sometimes), I took a deep breath before looking up at the sky, "Well then, seems the Valar have dropped me in a weird spot this time..... I'm Keller Edan." I stuck my hand out in a handshake, "Nice to meet you my good man."

"Uh... why are you holding out yer hand Miss Edan?"  
I let my hand drop back down as I winced at my awkwardness, if my brain was giving me a Middle Earth dreamscape then I'd do well to remember that ME was a medieval society,I ran a hand through my short hair, "Uh... It's a greeting custom from where I used to live. I was trying to properly thank you for pulling me from the river Mister- uh..."

"The names Baryll, miss, son of Garyll. Nice to meet you....did you say the Valar themselves sent you here?" He looked at me with a face filled with concern.

I laughed, "Well Baryll, I was praying to the Valar this past moon for a new adventure and when I went to sleep last night I was definitely at home visiting my mum and then I was apparently in the river you were by....where are we by the way?"

Baryll grimaced as he probably realised that I had asked him twice," We're just outside the blue mountains. I was on my way to visit my cousins Bifur,Bofur, and Bombur before I found you..... not that it was an inconvenience or anything!" He moved his hands around in a frantic manner.  
So I was having a fanfic dream about the Hobbit then, probably before the company was formed, actually ..." Baryll, do you know if I could get a chance to talk to His Majesty Thorin? It  
will lead us to your cousins if you must know." I suddenly felt energized, I could totally take a dream trip to the king, appreciate Richard Armitage in all his hunky glory, and go on a freaking quest. HELL YEAH! I now brimmed with excited energy.  
"Well I don't know about talking to King Thorin...But I think if you helped me we could arrive at New Belegost by this afternoon and we could try to find his residency there but-oof!"

I jumped on the dwarf, picking him up in a fierce hug as I squealed excitedly, "OH thank you Master Baryll! You are the nicest dwarrow I've ever had the pleasure of being saved by!" I let him down, giving a quick kiss to his hairy brown cheek.

"Oh- th-thanks K-keller." He blushed bright red, even under his thick hair I could see the coloring going over the kind man.  
I smiled, "Alright how about we get to that city you so graciously mentioned?" I pulled a ring from my pocket (one that I didn't quite remember ever being gifted but whatever), "Think I can find somewhere to sell this old thing?"

"I think I can just give you a couple coins, my intended, who's back in the Iron Hills, would love just such a thing." He blushed once more as he lead me to a riverbank where a good sized boat floated in the calm looking river. 

I laughed once more, oh this dwarf was quite the creature!"No problem Baryll, you can have it if it is for your One!" And that is how we passed the morning, packing his small camp and sailing the deceptively swift river (I was surprised that I didn't wake up cut to ribbons- the river was filled with sharp rocks!).

~Majestic time skip brought to you via Thorin' s hair~ (in New Belegost)

Baryll and I came at just the right time as we approached the surprisingly modest (by the standards I set in place- y'know- high walls and a castle? Yeah none of that) Royal Residence. The company looked as though they were just leaving, and I nearly swooned as I came to look at the great body that Richard Armitage possessed (I guess Thorin if we're going to be totally honest with ourselves) as they all left the residency shirtless.

"COUSINS!!!!!!" Baryll shouted, waving from our new spot on the docks, "BIFUR, BOFUR, BOMBUR!!!" 

The dwarves all turned to look at us before Bofur and his brood of dwarves (totally a brood- no arguing ok?) made their way to us in a timely manner (running like a bunch of wildebeests.).

"COUSIN!!!!!!" The four dwarves shouted in joy as they all had a great hug fest.

"Masters Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur what is the meaning of this distractio- Ow Dis hammers and coal!" Thorin called, only to have his sister smack him upside the head.

Baryll grimaced as he glanced over to me, "We-well you-you see Your Majesty, I was on my way to visit my cousins and my companion over here wanted to try to get an audience with you." He pried himself from his cousins' vice-like grips and pointed over to me .

The B-clan (i am so clever) turned to look at me, seemingly noticing me for the first time. Bofur smirked, raising an eyebrow to poor Baryll before stepping up and taking my hand and giving it a kiss, "Didn't know my cousin like tall women! Welcome to the family ma'am."

"Sorry Bofur but I'm not Baryll's intended, she's back home. I'm looking to join up with you half-wits and make sure Gandalf doesn't kill you out of frustration."

Thorin glared at me, Dis tried to hide her laughter behind a barking cough and the rest looked perfectly scandalized. Baryll (the poor boy) looked like he was going to have an aneurysm (such a gentle soul that Baryll) at my words.

"You would dare call us halfwits?!" Thorin yelled, jumping down the stairs to march up to me, eyes trying to convey how badly he wanted to toss me into the river to drown, which forced him to look up at me (being six feet tall was a blessing in that moment) "An obviously runaway human child?!" He pointed a finger at me, trying to up his aggressive body language, "I would not have you in my company if you were the last able body on Arda!"

I stooped down to look straight into the cold blue eyes of the king, trying to hold my own against his gaze, "Look here Thorin Oakenshield. I am Keller Edan, I hail from a land where I am superior to most who approach me- in fact - I am feared. I was dropped here by the Valar themselves and I did not spend all day helping poor Baryll so I could get to this forsaken spot to be insulted by a man a third shorter than I. I have offered you my protection from the Istari and from the troubles you will encounter and if you have a problem with that I will just be on my way to reclaim the mountain myself. Aule knows I can do it myself after I get something from Laketown."

The entire company now stood with their jaws slack as they saw Thorin's eyes harden and his face gave away his surprise. Dis was no longer laughing but instead purple from the effort of not laughing as her brother was vocally slammed by a human who was not yet grown . The King Under the Mountain let his jaw fall open, trying to reply to me in a dignified manner but instead ended up looking like a fish out of water.

"I like her!" Dis finally spoke, hopping down to stand next to her brother before looking up at me with a mischievous smile, "I say we let her join. I have to have someone who will keep you in line little brother."

Thorin looked utterly betrayed as he stared at his sister, "Just because your beard came in first doesn't mean I'm the younger of us. I am twenty years your senior!" He huffed (in a dignified manner of course) before turning to Balin "Master Balin, draw up a contract for Lady Keller, I suppose we can throw her to the orcs and escape if such a thing happens."

Dis rolled her eyes as I glared at his royal hunky-rudeness. "Sorry for his behavior, Gandalf told him they had to go and pick up a burglar in the shire and he's going to miss most of the initial meeting due to some meetings to rally troops for our quest."

I smiled, "I know, the Valar told me I really did come to watch over them, they need all the help they can get." I gestured to the men as we all turned to head back into the residency, the twins were trying to shove each other off the narrow steps while the B-brood were joking around with sweet Baryll and Gloin and Oin were arguing. "They'll probably fall off a cliff trying to cross over the pass outside the Misty Mountains."

"Aye!" DIs laughed, patting my leg as we walked slowly behind, trying to avoid the chaos up ahead, "And with Thorin's terrible case of the jerks? They'll end up in Valinor with the tree shaggers instead of anywhere near the Lonely Mountain."

"I heard that!" Thorin shouted, opening a window somewhere on the first floor of the building.

"You were meant to Thorin!" Dis replied to her brother, "You are so bad at getting about you ended up in the next town over one time trying to find an inn across the street when we were at that pub last month!"

"He wasn't really was he?" I asked, tilting my head to the side in curious surprise, "I mean, he's a king, aren't they supposed to know where in Manwe's will they're going right?"

In reply Dis just laughed, grabbed my hand, and led me into the home quickly. "Sure...."


	2. Going, going, gone!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller departs from the Durin's house to embark on a quest she has dreamed of forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Here's the second chapter. Keller begins her chaotic new quest!

Three days. Thats how long Thorin spent trying to test me. He fought me with swords, axes, and some pitiful archery. And, because this is a dream, I bested him in each round, even managing to land a few scratches on him during the axe fighting (Dwalin was a bit jealous- apparently axes are hard to use if you can't science like me). Not like he didn't beat the stuffing out of me during the sword fighting. But still, three days in the royal household and Thorin still thinks I'm crazy?! At least Baryll helped me get some more things for the adventure.I mean, you can't go adventuring in baggy sweats and a large t-shirt (you can but I don't recommend that).

"Hey Keller! We're headed out to go get our burglar." Nori snuck up from behind me, appearing out of nowhere and making me jump and squeal like a little girl.

"Nori! What the hell man? I could have reacted differently and skewered you!" I smacked him on the shoulder before shaking my head, "Seriously, you could have ended up missing some of your bits and pieces."

The star-haired dwarf laughed before holding up almost all my daggers and my sword, "Nope, I made sure you only had some of the more hidden blades on you. But that is not important we need to pack up your weapons and clothes and get to the Shire with Gandalf." He handed back my weapons and we walked into my room (that Lady Dis had not so subtly made sure was connected directly to hers...) and began to pack my things into a leather bag Dori had lent me.

"Alright I'll meet you outside the house in a few minutes, I just need to thank Dis for not letting Thorin skewer me through...." I smiled in sarcastic glee and then shooed the thief out.

"Whatever you say Keller..." He smirked at me.

"NO, go outside or I tell Dwalin you fancy him." Nori's cocky smirk dropped and he nodded before running down the hallway to hide from me. Such a ridiculous friend of mine.

"I didn't know they fancied each other." Dis said from the door connecting our chambers. "I want to see how that unfolds." She smiled deviously at me before motioning that I follow her.

"I will give you all the details as soon as you join us in the mountains." I smiled back before following her into her room, a near replica of mine save a tapestry of the Line of Durin.

"Thank you Keller, but let me give you a parting gift first, "She stopped and I stood still halfway through the room as Dis moved over to her closet and rummaged around before crying in triumph at finding whatever it was that she had finally found, "Ah ha! I think you will do well with this gift. The twins each have one of their own and I believe my favorite human should have a rune stone as well." She pulled my hand from my side, letting drop into it a deep purple stone with veins of silver and some runes sketched into it, "This is a stone that will protect you on your travels. I had it made the other day and it has your name on it. Do not lose it or I will chop what little hair you have on your head off." She laughed at my horror struck face before bidding me to kneel so that we could hold our foreheads together in parting, "You are a foreign human but I feel as though you are my child."

I looked up into the Princess' eyes smiling weakly as I saw the unshed tears, "Do not worry Dis, I will be safe and I will be damned to the void if your boys and Thorin don't greet you at the mountain gates by next spring." I pulled back, standing up and heading out to find our company, 

"Goodbye M'lady, I hope we should see each other soon so I can tell you of how many times I save your brothers sorry arse." We laughed together one last time as I left down the hall and out to join the men outside with their ridiculous amounts of supplies (the quest will last a year at most, we don't need so much junk when it was only us )and we took the first steps of our journey. Hopefully I was bluffing and I wouldn't actually have to save these idiots butts too often.

~road trip!!!~

The trip from New Belegost to Hobbiton was awful. It rained, and it was cold, and I wanted to just wake up and take a therapy bath at scalding hot temperatures, but I didn't I'm starting to think this is real and I was miserable. 

The boys thought this was hilarious, especially when they had seen me beat the stuffing out of their king, but I had to keep going or else I would be giving up the opportunity of a lifetime. 

And so i kept going. Through slush, and sleet, and lightning. I kept walking and I kept on keepin on. Doing what I could to remind myself that cool things like this didn't happen in a day. 

~Skipping the boring monologue about the trip~

When we arrived at the edges of hobbiton we were greeted by a familiar face. "Gandalf!" Balin yelled as the night swelled around us and the sun set in the west, "It's good to see you again my old friend."

The grey istari smiled as he puffed from his great pipe, "Master Balin! It is good to see you again, " He tilted his head to the side as he counted Balin and the company, including me, "I see you have a new addition to the company. Who is this young lady?"

I stepped forward, bowing only my head in greeting before looking the old man in the eye, " I am Keller Edan. I'm here to keep the company in line when you're gone and in Lady Dis' stead." I gave the istar my best lazy lop-sided grin before continuing, "I also cook for these heathens when they can't be buggered to."

He smiled mischievously at me, "I see you are a valuable addition indeed. In fact, I suggest you meet our host for the night first, Bilbo Baggins could use a gentle first introduction to keep him from fainting. Head along that way and find the home with a glowing rune on the front door. The rest of you try to secure supplies for tomorrow after we have all gathered together. " He clapped me on the back before pushing me in the direction I should go, taking the company with him to wander the Shire and bother it's inhabitants until later when they would all arrive sporadically ( I actually almost felt bad for taking Dwalin's turn for first encounters with Bilbo but I like Bilbo more than the dwarves so far so whatever).

~going to the hobbits house is fun!~

What a place, Bag End was a cozy looking hill, with a bright blue rune on the door as described and I felt no small amount of joy and excitement as I knocked on the door carefully.

"Hello? Who- WHoa!" Bilbo opened the door and fell over as he jumped back at the appearance of my dirtied self. 

I stepped through the door, carefully avoiding the lip of the door and stooping in the hobbit hole, "Keller Edan at your service!" I bowed deeply, "I was told that I could find a kind folk to take me in for the night at this place?" I tried to make myself sound as pleading and yet charismatic at the same time.

"um- Of course! Come in ! Come in! I've just started making dinner. You can sit down at the table while I prepare some more food!" Bilbo quickly recovered himself and he stood up to his full height (poor dear barely passed my hip) before motioning me into his home-y kitchen while he prattled around and fussed about. 

"Thank you so much Mister Bilbo! I knew you could help me!" I smiled as the hobbit placed a plate of freshly fried fish in front of me, a cup of what looked like blackberry tea on the side.

He smiled at me " Do not think anything of it Miss Edan. What kind of hobbit would I be if I couldn't feed and host a girl such as yourself in need?" 

I smiled back but internally i was guiltily wincing because any minute now the boys were due here and then Gandalf wouldn't be here for at least another hour. "Yes.. about that Mister Baggins-" I was interrupted when there was a harsh knock at the door.

"OH! Who ever could that be?" And then Bilbo ran to the front door to answer it and receive Dwalin in all his course manors.

~You know the rest, we're skipping to when Thorin arrives a'ight?~

Bilbo looked ready to die. The dwarves had finished their tumultuous cleaning and I knew that any minute now His Highness would knock and Bilbo would answer and I would get to see an especially hunky Thorin (one who would hopefully be too tired to tell me I looked like crap so I could appreciate him without wanting to strangle him). I was nervous as Gandalf sat down and began to light his pipe.

KNOCK! "Oh he's here!"

"He's late!"

"Hello?"

"I got lost twice looking for this place, " I heard from the entryway and I hurried down the hall to see the tired hunk, trying not to giggle to myself at Thorin's bad directional senses, "Gandalf you said this place would be easy to find."

"I- what?!" Bilbo sounded pissed, "What is going on?" 

Gandalf pulled me out of my spot as he began answering him, "I told you Master Baggins, I am looking for someone to share an adventure with. All of those present have agreed to help this man here, Thorin Oakenshield." 

"Even Miss Edan?" Bilbo sounded scandalized, "But she is just a young girl!"

"I am not! I am 80 years old!" I suddenly yelled , wresting myself from the gray Istar's grip and putting myself near Bilbo, "Don't worry Bilbo, I am well qualified to be on this trip. " I sent a pointedly selfish grin Thorin's way, making the dwarror glare at me in return.

But for once, the bait I had thrown the king's way was left alone as Hunky-Dwarrow pulled himself into political mode, "As much as it pains me to say this, Keller has bested me in a few rounds of combat and I place her in high esteem, despite her rather childish demeanor." He sent a searing look straight to my soul as he sat himself at the table (some way or another we had ended back up in the kitchen) and called on Balin to give Bilbo the contract for his joining the company.

"Incineration?!" I heard him screech. Oh man here we go...

I decided to zone out until I heard the king insulting his host. "He looks more like grocer than a burglar."

Oh no he didn't! (Why am I defending him? I know how this goes and it turns out alright?) 

"I have chosen him Master Dwarf and if he is a burglar than he is a burglar!" 

Ugh, this scene. I didn't really pay much attention whenever I watched this part of the movie so I decided to zone out again. Day dreaming about what Adrian Turner's butt must look like and how glorious it must be (don't judge, you know you think it too) and maybe how jealous I am that they can grow beards so gloriously and I can't (especially Dis, her beard is so freaking majestic it brings tears to my eyes) when I felt a spoon being thrown at my head.

"OI!" I stood up, bumping my head on the low ceiling as I glared at Nori who was fleeing into a sitting room with the rest of the dwarves. "Come back here you purple colored witless-"

"Sorry to 'burst your bubble' as you said a couple of days ago, " A voice evilly chuckled behind me, showing that it was actually Gandalf (how did he even know about that?! I wasn't anywhere near him? did he find a palantir or something shady like that?!) , "But I was informed by our host that you should follow him into the other room with me and we can discuss some business different from the company's."

My eyes widened to the size of saucers, Gandalf the Grey was going to turn me into trespassing goo! What an awful way to leave a dream (I am actually beginning to suspect this isn't a dream anymore, something just doesn't seem right to be a dream), zapped into the void by my favorite wizard!

"I don't know what nonsense you're thinking of but I can promise you that you will not die anytime soon." The wizard shook his head incredulously before grabbing my wrist and pulling my into the next room.

"Sure, uh, yeah ok." I squeaked. Seriously what do they want with me?  
Bilbo was turned away from us, looking at portraits above the fireplace (those are his parent aren't they?). "Mister Baggins you had something you wanted to speak about with Miss Edan and I ?"

"OH! Yes, please sit down." Bilbo jumped at the istari's words and motioned for us to sit down in a recliner near our respective persons.

"Thank you."

"Uh,yeah, thanks Bilbo." I tried to quell the feeling of dread in my stomach as I took in the little hobbit and the tall Istar next to me.

"Right," the halfling began, looking rather embarrassed and nervous, "Gandalf, first of all, are you completely sure I am the only one who could do this 'burglaring' business? I don't feel like I should leave Bag End, it just wouldn't be the respectable thing to do. And Keller, you said you were in need of shelter for the night but I am not quite sure you have told any of us the truth about yourself. I need answers from both of you!" 

Oh the poor thing! I felt awful, I wasn't quite sure this was a dream anymore and I wasn't quite sure the whole 'the gods themselves sent me' would work anymore because quite frankly I wasn't quite sure about anything anymore other than the fact that I was going to be travelling into an adventure I wasn't quite sure about. 

Luckily Gandalf answered first, "My dear Bilbo, I have much faith in you, you are the only one I trust to be in this company for our Burglar. And respectability among Hobbits is a fickle thing. In sixty years you will be praised and sung about as a hero so what little talk there will be will be over in but a blink of an eye."

"That does sound rather appealing..." Bilbo trailed off before he turned back to me, "But I still need answers out of you Keller." He gave me a soul searing look that few parents could ever hope to achieve ( i am so glad I am not Frodo).

I gulped, "Well Bilbo, where I come from this world is kind of ..... fictional....?" I winced as I heard myself talk, "And I am not too sure on how I managed to getting here but I think it was the Valar. And I am not 80, well in the dwarven equivalent I am but by human standards I am 22 and in hobbit standards I am 44. " I smiled awkwardly in an attempt to ease my guilt about lying to my dear friends who were only a room over.

Bilbo looked like he was going to say something along the lines of being scandalized but Gandalf beat him to the seething remark, "You mean to tell us that in the world you hail from we do not even exist?! And that you surely should not be on this quest?" And then a look of mischievous clever came over him, "If you were not supposed to be on this quest then how did you know about us?"

I gulped again, trying to destroy the butterflies performing aerial shows in my intestinal tract, "I well, there are books that were written before my time about your adventures, and I have extensively read them and researched them. I'm here trying to prevent some of Thorin's bad decisions. "   
Gandalf did not appear to be happy with my answer, "And pray tell what are these 'bad decisions' that Master Thorin would make?"

I winced, "Theres a long list. But one of them involves MIrkwood and King Thranduil. I plan on smacking him for Lady Dis and making sure that doesn't happen." 

"What?" Bilbo looked perfectly flummoxed,   
"Mirkwood? Whats Mirkwood?"

"Crap, you guys don't know about that until later..."I winced, "Uh I guess you call it Greenwood right now. Mirkwood doesn't come until almost three months from now, maybe longer."

"I think that is enough seeing into the future for now Master Baggins, Miss Edan will obviously be a great help in avoiding some follies in the next few months or so." Gandalf looked at both of us, making me feel as small as Bilbo looked.

"Alright then, if that is all settled." Bilbo looked nodded (more to himself it seemed) and motioned for me to follow him, "I have a room prepared for you Keller, I don't think it is appropriate for a young woman such as yourself to be staying near all of those men."

I sighed in defeat, knowing that there would be no arguing with such a hobbit, "Thanks Bilbo." 

He lead me into a small room with a large bed in the left corner covered in bright yellow covers that had some sort of flowers on it (sunflowers or maybe daisies?) and large, fluffy looking, pillows on it an inviting sight after all the energy I had exerted over the last few hours.

I didn't even realize I was so tired until Bilbo spoke up again, "Here you go Keller, the bath is the little blue door right next to the closet. I told Gandalf where you were so that you can leave with the rest of them, that Ori fellow told me you plan to depart at sunrise."

I stepped back and hugged the halfling, grateful he didn't hate me after I had blatantly lied to him, "Thank you so much Bilbo! You are a great friend, and I cannot express enough how happy this makes me." 

The fifty year old just smiled gently and patted my arm as I let go, straightening out and heading to the bed, holding back my urge to jump into the inviting softness. "You're welcome Keller. I'm glad you like it."

And with that as his last words he left the room, leaving me in the low light of the lantern which I put out after washing my face, finally allowing me to pass out in the downy soft bed and drift into a dream.

~Skip to morning~

"Someone poke her"

"I am not willing to risk my limbs for that."

"Just throw a boot at her face, she'll wake up!"

Voices floated around me as I was slowly pulled from the warmth of sleep. I growled lowly, pulling the duvet over my head and flipping onto my back. 

"I think, Keller is better being left with the halfling." An annoyingly familiar voice ground out, "They would get along well. "

"But who will cook for us? Bombur doesn't make much other than stew when it's his turn!" another (I think it was Kili? maybe Fili?) whined and I found myself drifitng farther from the realm of dreams. 

I couldn't take any more and I sat up, smashing my head into poor Dwalin's own and groaned, "You bastards, can't you see it's not even sunrise yet? What in Manwe's name are you doing waking me up?" I hissed with as much venom as I could while I rubbed at my temples.

The company backed up in fear (they had become accustomed to my violent dispositions in the mornings and knew well enough to keep away until I woke up more) all except Gandalf who had a smug look upon his features.

"We," Began little Ori, hair shaking along with the rest of him, (poor baby), "We were wondering if, maybe.."

"What Ori's tryin' to say.." Bofur picked up for Ori on behalf of the shy scribe, "Well um..."

Thorin decided that we had beat around the bush long enough, "The others tell me you can cook exceptionally well and they requested we leave some sort of parting meal for Master Bogg- Master Baggins ." Thorin glared at his heirs as he stumbled over the gentle hobbit's name. 

I tried my best to level an equally soul-burning stare at the king but found my view obstructed by the heirs and Ori who all had sheepishly apologetic look about them. 

"Please?" They all voiced together, hands together as they begged.

I sighed once more before agreeing, "FIne, but you will have to find some things for me first.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave comments and tell me what you thought! Any and all comments lead to more frequent updates!


	3. Elves and other fun things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller goes a'questing with her companions. Bilbo needs some help, and I should probably stop writing these things at like midnight.........

I chuckled as the dwarven king handed me the pile of golden coins that weighed heavily in my palm, "But only the livestock we need, no more no less." He seemed to think I was incapable of securing animals for us, what an ass.

"Yes, mother I'll get you some ponies and myself a horse while you go get other supplies with the boys. I got it. " I turned with a smile as Thorin huffed angrily and walked away with the others to get their food and bedrolls (Bofur had to trade a couple when we were traveling here to get more food and we were in need of more lest we hear everyone complain the whole way) a skip in my steps.

I ended up with almost 14 horses and their respective amounts of gear. Which, if I calculated correctly, weighed over three hundred pounds together (the gear not the ponies- they probably weighed WAY more than that). And I couldn't for the life of me remember how to properly gear up a stead. I had known at some point, when I was younger and rode horses on my Grandparent's ranch, but that was so long ago I was going to have to swallow some pride and ask the stable boy for some help.

Boy?" I asked as I walked back to the young stable hand and grimaced, "I am in need of assistance. I seem to have forgotten how to saddle my beasts." I blushed in embarrassment and tried not to wish too hard that the ground would swallow me whole as the look of confusion and pity crossed the young man's face (he couldn't have been more than twelve) and he grimaced back as well.

"Forgotten?" The boy asked, "I don't think one forgets such a thing."  
I grimaced even more if that was possible"I haven't ridden a horse since I was very young."  
He snorted and we proceeded to spend the next half hour helping one another (more like he corrected whatever I effed up and I tried not to cry in frustration at how I had forgotten such easy things) 'dress' the horses up. Right as we finished the rest of my companions arrived and we parted (not before I slipped the boy a silver penny for his troubles), not to return to the shire for another year (if all went well and I didn't die and Bilbo would like some company on his way back to his home).

For some reason, this trip seemed to fill me with a larger sense of dread than the others. I voiced my fears to the wise Istar in our presence.

"My child, you know of this journey already, and if I had your foresight, I would not fear for much." He whispered in reply to my fears.

"I know but, what if I cannot change the worst that is yet to come? I came along on this journey because I thought I could use my knowledge to prevent some of the worst things." I realized as I went on with my ramblings that I also missed home and the prospect of being in Middle Earth for the rest of my years was a terrifying thing. I was still a child in most aspects and I hadn't even gotten to enjoy my new freedom (ok, so four years of not living with my parents should be considered a nice amount of freedom but I am American originally so that was definitely not enough for me). 

I didn't even realize I was crying till Bifur tossed me a piece of cloth from my right and motioned in Igleshmek (from what little I knew) to wipe my tears. "The dwarf is right, your fears are well placed but we will not know until it has passed and you see it for yourself."

Just then a roar of laughter went through the company as Nori started a betting pool on whether or not Bilbo would show up. I used this to try to lift my spirits, telling the thief that I thought he'd join us. Which prompted Gandalf, Bifur, Bofur, and the Brothers Ri to bet with me. Leaving the others to bet against the Burglar (although Kili and Fili were banned from the betting by their emotionally constipated uncle -who bet against the burglar- of course.).  
And wouldn't you know, as the sun had started to really light up the forest we walked through a voice could be heard shouting at us to stop.

"Told you." Kili whispered from a couple of meters away from me, "Keller's this sense about her. Just knows these things."

I smiled at that and the fact that Bilbo was now being forced onto another pony. Poor hobbit, he really didn't want to be near that creature 'what with my allergies and all' (he insisted) and we again proceeded. The seed of doubt that had sown itself into the lining of my stomach now almost non-existent. Gandalf was right, we would be fine. At least, I conceded, as long as Thorin listens to me when we end up in Mirkwood, I would rather not end up being attacked by giant spiders.

~Oh hey would you look at that? I hate writing traveling sequences and the troll scene is so over done we're skipping to right after- Outside the troll cave with my fave bird poop covered wizard~

"A sickness lies upon it Gandalf. Nothing grows there anymore- at least- nothing good. The humans have taken to calling it 'Mirkwood' now." Radagast was a shaking, nervous, bundle of a wizard. But he was easily the most interesting, if the bird poop on the side of his face and on his hair/beard were anything to go by.

I tuned them out, in favor of slipping a few more golden coins into the lining of the jacket I was wearing (courtesy of my sneaky persuasion skill- and Dis of course) and hoped that would help with the later problems we would run into- such as Bard and his children. Or maybe Thranduil would allow me to not be imprisoned if I promised to retrieve the stones myself (y'know like from my threats from earlier, to take the mountain myself? Yeah that could always work) giggling to myself as I saw the boys digging a hole to cover a small chest in the horde.

Then I noticed a gleam near a pile I suspected Gandalf had found the swords in. Curiosity staved off any conflictions I might have had about taking from people who were probably (more than probably) dead and I reached through the piles of gross- I don't even know what it was- stuff and felt my hand brush over several things, which I promptly pulled out of the grossness.  
I had in my hands a nice sword, elegantly built and etched with elvish runes that I regretted not being able to read. Alongside that was an amulet that reminded me of something one of my girlfriends had given me when we were younger and still madly in love, a lovely bronze colored one with a design that looked like a pentagram surrounded by rays from the sun (kinda like the anti-possession symbol from that show Supernatural? I guess?) and filled me with a new wave of homesickness. And last, a little ring much like the one I had sold to Baryll at the beginning of my trip here, but far more intricate with little crystals (or maybe diamonds, you never know in Arda) and braided gold sections. My haul brought both glee and nostalgia, a sense of bittersweet melancholy filling my stomach again. 

"Keller! We're headed out!" I heard Bilbo calling from the mouth and I secured the jewelry onto my person before pulling my newly acquired sword. 

"Coming!" I replied, just as the first warg was killed by my boys (at this point, after so long with the dwarves they were all my boys- no arguments) and Radagast left to draw off the others in the orc pack and we fled towards the hidden valley , not that Thorin knew that, thank goodness.

We ran for so long I thought about just taking on the pack myself when we finally reached the little cave-thing-y. Everyone made a mad dash as we saw Gandalf disappear down it and I stood by Thorin as the Orc scum began to close in. 

"Join the others!" The royal yelled as he killed yet another warg and it's rider, his face red with exertion.

"No, you're tiring and I will not be responsible for your death, Dis will have my head!" I huffed through my aching arms as I swung through another Orc's neck, trying to make my way to the one I recognized from the movies as the one who would betray our plans to Azog later on. No way was I letting that albino piece of crap know we were headed for the Lonely Mountain while we still had miles to go.

And then the horn blew and I knew the elves were coming so I risked it and took out one of the silver daggers Nori had given me and tossed it with a prayer to the Valar that it would kill the ugly beast before grabbing the edge of Thorin's tunic and dragging him down into the cave with me. 

"What was that?!" Fili asked as an orc corpse fell down into our spot.

"I don't know." I lied, as Dwalin looked like he was investigating the beginning of the passage to Imladris.

"Do you know where that leads?" I asked, hoping to speed up the process of getting to Rivendell. I was hot and tired, and the faster I got to enjoying the comfort and protection the elves could offer, the faster I would be happy.

"I dunno." He admitted.

"Well, unless you wish to find out if our adversaries have been eliminated or not, "Gandalf answered after, looking at me with a conspiratorial glance before continuing, "I suggest we follow it Master Dwalin."

And follow it we did. For HOURS- ok probably more like two ro so hours but like I said, I was hot and it was a bit of a squeeze in some areas. Not an ideal place to recover from my first real battle with the enemy of all of Middle Earth (the good parts that is).

Until we finally reached one of the last Elven houses and were greeted by attractive, tall, dark-haired elves. Informing us that Lord Elrond was not here (suspicious glances sent Mithrandir's way- oops) and that he was out killing Orcs who had strayed too close for comfort.

"What have you done Wizard?!" Thorin was livid- and not for a good reason either as he sent one after another of accusing Khuzdul to the istar's ears, throwing the practice of being secretive about their secret language, y'know, secret. And from my limited knowledge of the language it was NOT flattering.

"My, what a colorful vocabulary your companions have Mithrandir." Lord Elrond smiled as he stepped from his horse, oblivious (it seemed) to the panic he had thrown the dwarrows into.

"They tend to do that when you put them in the vicinity of elves, they're dreadfully embarrassing that way. " I interjected, putting my hands over the dwarvish King's mouth in an attempt to quiet him.

" I see the rumors Gandalf had been travelling with strange people is true. " He sent me a look , probably along the lines of 'it is rude to talk to your elders when not spoken too' or it might have been ' i like this one' it was a bit of a toss up with the little emotions elves usually showed that I knew much about.

"Yes, and I am seeking some reprieve and would be much obliged if you would take me and my company under your roof for the time being." Gandalf tried to salvage the situation, but when Thorin bit me and I yelped I fully expected the elven lord to toss us out of the Valley with a wish of not housing such insufferable creatures under his house.

"Of course Mellon nin anything for you." And the dwarves broke apart after the infamous 'is he offering us insult? No master dwarf he is offering you food!' fiasco and I allowed myself to begin showing how tired I was. 

Days on end of nothing but walking and riding and camping? No problem! Less than two hours of fleeing for your life and fighting off disgusting orcs, followed by another stretch of walking in a claustrophobia-inducing passage? No thank you. I was ready to eat some rabbit food ( by now I was a voracious Carnivore alongside the dwarves- no longer quite as balanced as others in our company), find somewhere to bath my hot, stinky body, and pass out somewhere, preferably a bed but at this point anywhere was fine.

"Thank you Lord Elrond. " I bowed as I walked into the dining room with the dwarves, who looked none too glad to be eating the food their food ate ( i'm funny ok?!) and sat next to our Burglar with a wince. My shins were going to be killing me later if I didn't soak soon.   
The elf looked surprised by my gratitude but smiled a second later, "It is no problem child. After you are done with your meal, you may ask one of my people for help in securing a room, I think there is one you would enjoy but I think you need more time to fill your stomach after such a battle."

I blushed at his mention of the Orcs, I hadn't really done anything, and there were only a few orcs, surely he was just wanting to get a reaction from me? "You're right, thank you again though, I would hate to have to see if my dagger made it's mark."

~bla bla bla boring naming of the swords scene, Keller's sword is named (in Westron) "Troll killer"because she's hella and found a hella cool weapon to match her ok? ok.~

I ended up following the dwarves in their swim in the fountains after I was shown a room right above the victimized sculpture. Man, if I thought the dwarves were a bipolarly prudish bunch, that was the event that made me think they were weirdly prudish only in things pertaining to me. Especially when Thorin -thorin!- himself offered to rig up a curtained off section for me to bathe in. But none the less I think poor Lindir almost had an aneurysm after he discovered our raucous and rather inappropriate endeavors 'I thought you were a lady! Miss Keller! *fainting Lindir here* poor elf, he just wants things to go right. And after that I passed out on a bed that reminded me of my own with it's soft gold and brown color scheme.

Only to experience the weirdest dream ever.

I was a floating spectator in a large fire, looking on as a pale orc (Azog I realized) as another orc (one from the pack from earlier) gave his report. I shook within my spectral boots as I realized that even though I had desperately tried to keep this very thing from happening it was just a part of fate and we were doomed to live it.

"find the dwarf scum and kill him!" Azog yelled.

I found that while I was observing whatever the hell this was that I could vaguely understand what the orcs were saying.

"And what of the human and wizard?" The other one asked, voice sounding like gargled rocks against my ears. , "They have been proven as too strong for us!"

shiitake mushrooms! I thought frantically as I saw them continue on with their debate. The next few minutes making for the end of the survivor's life. And just as I thought nothing could get worse I felt a presence trying to invade my mind.

It was dark and painful as it asked me things. Who I was, what my quest was. It kept asking, each time growing angrier and more painful with each question I refused to answer until all I heard and saw was a high pitched screech and flames. The flames licked up my body and I felt like I was melting in the pit of Mt. Doom itself. I began screaming and crying as I noticed that the bodies of the other members of the company were joining me in the flames, their agony making me cry out in sorrow that I couldn't foresee this travesty. I thrashed as I sank lower into the heat, it's unbearable light blinding me and I tried to escape, if only to somehow ease my own suffering (because that surely would fix everything) and torture.

I woke up as someone grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me heartily. Opening my teary eyes to see a young child on top of me, eyes filled with terror at my actions.

"Lady, " The young boy asked, eyes on the verge of tears (which tore at the soft spot I held for children) , "Ar-are you ok? I heard you screaming and crying and when I came into your room you were rolling around and- and I didn't know what to do..." And the boy then burst into tears.

I sat up, pulling the strange child into a comforting hug (more for myself I suppose than anything else) , "Oh, shhhh. SHhhh. Child, I am fine, it was just a nightmare. Nothing more, I am very sorry to have frightened you." I soothed, using my years of being an older sibling to comfort the little boy in my arms.

He wiped at his nose and eyes with a sleeve on his tunic, leaning back to look me in the eyes as he quelled his sobs, "Y-you mean it Lady? You're going to be ok?"

I smiled, "Yes child. And I am no lady, my name is Keller, what is yours?"

He blushed as he realized he was cuddling with a stranger and scrambled out of my arms before sitting on the edge of my bed, "I'm Estle. Lord Elrond's adopted son." He then landed lightly on my floor and stood up to a (whopping, I assure you) full four feet, "I am eight and a half years old!"

I smiled at him, patting the side of my bed again, "Estle? I knew your family. Come, let us lay down together and maybe we can enjoy the rest of the night without any fears." I don't know quite why I was trying to get a small - and much younger- Aragorn to cuddle me, but it was probably a desire I wouldn't admit to - wanting contact with my own kind. 

And gratefully, Estle seemed to know that, as he carefully moved back to the space beside me, maneuvering himself into my arms again as we lay down to sleep. 

"Thank you Keller, I can't ask Ada to sleep with me anymore, he says I'm too old for that." The little boy sniffled, snuggling deeper into my bosom (and I totally didn't nearly squeal at how cute the tiny child was) and yawned softly.

"It is nice to sleep with another isn't it?" I asked to myself as I too fell back asleep- without the terrifying flames this time- a small warmth by my side.

~next morning~

"I thought he'd been taken in the night!" A hysterical voice screeched from the end of my bed, causing me to crack my eyes to see myself and the small, precious child surrounded by thirteen dwarves, a smiling Elrond and a nervous wreck of Lindir. 

"He must have found her sometime in the night." Elrond said, smiling down at us (probably still thought we were asleep- probably), "I thought I heard him moving around and Keller also moving around- although much more violently- I guess they met and she somehow got him to lay with him."

I disentangled myself from the still sleeping child, looking up at my audience, "Estle found me screaming last night because I was having a night terror. He woke me up and then - don't told him I told you this , he was trying to be brave- burst into tears because I had frightened him. I told him I knew his father and then we fell asleep together after I had comforted him. I must have really scared him with my screaming, poor thing looked utterly terrified." 

Everyone looked at me with surprised expressions. Lindir though, looked completely horrified, "I- I didn't hear you screaming at all... I was supposed to be watching over Estle when everything went dark sometime over midnight and then I found myself on the opposite side of the wing.... nothing..." He muttered to himself.

I sighed before smiling sympathetically, " It is not your fault Lindir, I do not think my dream was entirely my own creation." The dark presence from earlier was still weighing on my mind in the dark recesses, whispering menacingly in a language I did not understand.  
Gandalf, who I had not yet seen today emerged as I finished my sentence, looking deeply upset.

"Gandalf what it the matter my friend?" I may not have known the istar very well but I knew that   
something was very wrong.

"It is nothing of great importance at the moment, but I do suggest that you come with me to the council. Elrond, Lady Galadriel and Saurumon will be here at lunch, we must join them and discuss what Radagast informed me of earlier.

HOLY - I would get to meet Galadriel! My face must have betrayed my thoughts because Kili mentioned my interest in meeting a witch. Which resulted in my throwing a pillow at the dwarves face.

"Enough of this idle speech, let us go and enjoy ourselves in the dining hall." Elrond laid the rising tension to rest swiftly, ushering us all out of the room (along with Estle who he picked up and took to his room) to eat ourselves sick.

~Council of shady-business~

"Radagast? Do not speak to me of Radagast the brown." Saurumon laughed darkly, making me wish more and more that this was sixty years in the future and that we could just kill him off already.

The older two bickered away as I let my mind wander, thinking back on my dream and what it could possibly mean.

You are not of this world are you, my child. Lady Galadriel whispered in my mind, causing me to send a glance to her before I whispered back.

No my lady. I am a traveler from a different world.

I can tell. Something dark troubles you though, a dark cloud.

I had a horrible dream last night, it felt so real though, I don't know if it was just a dream.

She broke the telepathic link, electing to talk to me instead. "You have seen the presence   
Mithrandir speaks of?" She sounded slightly horrified, coming to rest a worried hand on my shoulder.

"Y-yes. I believe so. It resides at Dol Guldur with a legion of Orcs - one of which is Azog the Defiler." By now Elrond, Saurumon, and Gandalf looked at me with wide eyes as I continued, "The orcs that attacked us, they know of our quest, one of them barely escaped and I failed to kill it. I am sorry Gandalf.

"Do not fear Keller, I knew that such a strange company of travelers would eventually reach the ears of the less than savory urchins of this world." The grey wizard lamented, although he still looked sore about our blown cover.

"YOU have seen the force that the grey and brown wizard speak of?" the white wizard asked, his voice acidic and condescending, "Tell us of it!"

I winced at his tone, "Y-yes Saurumon. It was- well- it is not so much a man as a voice a terrible, terrible voice that filled my mind with it's darkness. It asked me questions endlessly while I slept. Trying to find out about our plans and our missions- I didn't tell him a thing though!" I hurried to add on as I saw Gandalf narrow his eyes at me, "I do think that Gandalf is right. It is a growing-"

"Lord Elrond! The dwarves have departed!" A frantic guard ran in, which gave me time to witness the silent conversation between Galadriel and Gandalf. 

I looked around at the shock that was filling everyone at the council's faces, deciding now would be a good time to make a break for it. "You know what guys? I think I should be going now, you obviously have a lot to discuss. OH! I think I hear Estle asking for me!" And ran out of the room, past the guard, and into the halls as i made my way into the gardens.

I was not trying to hide from Gandalf or Galadriel, but I did want to avoid the others. Saurumon had left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and I hadn't wanted to be there when the council continued to argue about the growing darkness at Dol Guldur.

And besides, the elven gardens were beautiful, and a stroll through them was a perfect way to enjoy the beautiful weather in the Hidden Valley. Trees, with an ancient air about them whispered around me softly and the flowers at their feet (metaphorically speaking of course) seemed to sing softly in accompaniment. It filled me with a sense of awe and I couldn't help but sing along softly to the music of the nature around me.

"It is a beautiful place to walk, but I cannot say I have heard anyone sing along with our plants." A voice said from behind me, revealing an elf I remembered well from her role to come in sixty years.

"You must be Arwen." I said, stopping my quiet song, "I am Keller Edan, at your service M'lady." I curtsied as best I could in my filthy pants (because no way in hell would I wear the dresses that the elves had provided me). 

Arwen smiled and bowed in return, "At your service Lady Keller. Estle spoke of you highly this morning. I hope he did not bother you too much."

I smiled trying not to tell her that her future husband was the cutest snuggle buddy I had ever had, "No not at all. He reminds me of my younger siblings at my own house. Such innocence and youth lessens my sorrow at not seeing them."

The beautiful elf maiden smiled widely at that, stepping closer to me and the weeping willow I had stopped by, "He is such a charming young man." She giggled as she thought of something, "Just the other day he tried to ask for my hand. Oh the naivety of children! But enough of that, Keller, tell me about your home. Everyone here says you come from a far off land with a warrior's upbringing and a rich lifestyle. Tell me of that."

And so I forgot about all that had happened the last few days as I recounted my home and all those that I felt a sharp want for as I spilled my heart out to the most beautiful of all the elves. Arwen sat with me eventually, when we had spent the better part of lunch standing and I sank to the ground as gracefully as possible, and we moved on to talk about our interests, who had done more things (Arwen won that one -obviously), and became fast friends.


	4. Leaving, acquiring some stuff, the usual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller meets up with the company. Thorin is being a dick- again- and then they get attacked what fun.

Gandalf came for me before dinner, a tired and annoyed air accompanying him, "Keller! Lady Arwen! It is good to see you, but I must take Keller now and we must try to catch up to our companions. Before they do something that will hurt them."

I sighed, standing stiffly after all those hours sitting on the dirt, and rolled my shoulders as we made for the group, which hopefully would still be on their way through the Misty Mountains, "Someone has to save those idiots."

~and would you look at that we're on the mountain and it's pouring friggin' cats and dogs.~

I climbed up the narrow path with my friends, lightning ahead not making me feel any safer when Thorin goes off on our poor hobbit! And just as I was about to shove him over the edge we are in the air and I am no longer so focused on the idiot king so much as staying on the ledge.

"Storm Giants!" Someone calls and I feel a surge of awe and fear, dying doesn't sound good but this is so cool! Watching the other giants try to battle ours and failing for the most part before we are hit with a particularly well aimed boulder and our giant falls back, which draws my eye to see the company trying to pull Bilbo back over from where he'd fallen. I swoop in, pulling Thorin and Bilbo up by the King's tunic.

"I did not need your help girl." His royal gruffness growls as we head for a cave that seems to be the answer to the deluge we're experiencing. Of course Thorin would never admit that this was more than a light sprinkle (the bastard) and we all settled down for the night and waited for the rain to end.

I for one, was a little upset, almost four months travelling with the king and his company of idiots and Thorin still thought of me as a nuisance. I knew I had proven myself time and time again but that arse had thought nothing of it when he tried to insult me earlier! I huffed as I lay down near Bifur and Bofur, who were (thankfully) on the edges of the camp and as far away from Thorin as they could stand (which was a lot, and I liked that a lot as well) trying to release my frustration in the quick breaths of air I kept creating.

"You know Keller, he doesn't mean it. He's just got a lot of things going on."  
I turned to see Bombur (who had moved to lay near us in the past few minutes while I brooded, 

"He sees me as nothing but a nuisance Bombur. I have proved myself time and time again. And in the days to come I will be very useful but he seems more interested in finding a way to drop me off a cliff."

Bombur laid a hand on my shoulder, smiling "Lassie I think you'll find that -"

"You don't mean you're trying to leave are you Bilbo?" I heard Bofur ask as another body was found near me, a sad hobbit who looked more like he wanted to cry.

Oh no- I saw a line around the cave appear right before we all fell down a - well I am not quite sure- thing and landed roughly on a stone ledge, sharp rocks digging into my butt (quite comfortable if you ask me). And we met the goblins of Moria (no Balrog this time - thankfully) who stole our weapons and left us to be escorted to the most disgusting king and - where is Gandalf when I need him?! 

"Look what we have here!" The most hideous creature I had ever had the displeasure of seeing cowed, clearly about to give us a crappy speech about wanting Thorin's head for friggin' Azog (that piece of crap- I will kill him) , "Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror! King under the Mountain, on a quest to reclaim his homeland!" He laughed heartily, shaking in all his nasty fleshiness. I thought of barfing, this was freaking disgusting, his fleshy scrotum beard (thank you cinema sins for that lovely analogy ) shook with every thunderous laugh. 

The Goblin King turned to his servant, "Send the message that we have His prize!" 

"I am going to vomit if I have to look at that pile of dung any longer." I whispered trying to see if I still had any daggers on me so that I could speed up the end of the Goblin King.

"Let's torture them! Grab the girl!" And to the protests of the company I was pulled forward, 

"What is your name urchin?!"

Oh no he didn't- I wanted to end him right there, I had found a dagger up against the right side of my ribcage but I need to buy us some more time so that we could meet up with our wizard. "I am Keller Edan, daughter of Alerdan Edan, Lord over my people (ok so he was a drug lord but I wouldn't go into that)!" I shouted boldly, ripping my arms from the little goblin's grips to stand proudly, "DO. YOUR.WORST!"

"Take her to the pit! We will see how she fairs against our pet!" And with that last cry of the King's our company was dragged to a rounded crater what seemed miles from our original spot - which concerned me with how we were going to be saved in a few minutes. 

But what was in the pit concerned me more. It was a warg. A giant, well-fed, warg, that looked very eager to eat me. Around it were bones and hunks of what looked like orc flesh. I felt a little less brave than I had earlier.

"No!" I heard one of the members yell as an especially small goblin handed me a pitiful looking sword that was rusted and maybe an age old. "Let her go!"

I thought maybe I could get out of this by killing the goblins but I knew that the warg would probably be on me after I killed the people that regularly fed it. " If you win against the pet, you and your company can live in our prison. But if you lose, well, "The king and his scrotum beard laughed, "Your company will die." And then I was tossed into the pit with the warg.

I don't think the previous fights I'd had with wargs could have prepared me for the wall of furry fury that this warg was. He circled me at first, snarling and snapping at me when it looked like I had left my flank open. But I knew (somewhat) what I had to do. I circled the warg as it did me, trying to feign an air of naivete as I fought for mine and my friends lives.

The first lunge I fell on my backside, the warg trying to snap at my face and neck only to be prevented by my rusty sword that barely even indented his skin. I used it to my advantage and pushed myself under the beast and rolled out, trying to grab at an orcish mace I had seen on the side of the ring , a desperate run for the weapon. Surprisingly I could hear Thorin ordering me not to die or he himself would bring me back - laws of nature be damned- and kill me himself. 

The king's comment left me with the motivation I need and the sprint left me with a nasty clawing from the goblin's pet as I picked up the heavy mace. But, hey, at least my weapon had been slightly upgraded to something I had a hope of killing this thing with. I whirled as I felt the air around me harden and barely fought off the beast as it yet again lunged, landing a solid hit on it's skull. But alas, warg skulls are exceptionally thick and it only dazed the creature. My arms ached from the power of my hit and my bones showed their dislike of such abuse. Which left me dumbstruck for a few minutes, long enough for the warg to charge me and toss me up with a well aimed head butt, ten feet in the air and a bone jarring impact.

The company cried out in fear as the warg approached me (while I lay confused and wanting to die) but I knew I couldn't let my friends (yes- even Thorin) die with the goblins, besides, Gandalf will arrive soon. So I moaned pitifully and reached discreetly for my dagger, trying to suppress the screams of agony I felt bubbling from my throat. 

"It seems your champion is less than my warg. I will enjoy your tortures!" The goblin king laughed as I heard someone begin to weep (Ori maybe?) and I knew they had felt their hope die with me.

I felt the warg lean down, its hot, putrid breath across my neck (a killing move, to be sure) and I took my moment, rolling around quickly and I stabbed the silver-colored dagger into the skull of the great beast. It released a blood-curdling scream and fell ontop of me, the weight forcing the air from my breath as I now struggled to get out from underneath the morbidly obese creature.

"No one has ever killed the beast!" The king yelled in his disgusting voice, making want to pull the dagger from the skull and use it on his Royal Disgusting-ness.

I finally freed myself from the body and stood triumphantly (well, as triumphantly as I could while also wanting to fall over and die) and looked to the king and his scrotum beard with a smug smile on my face. "I am no one's meal and I will see my companions returned to the surface safely." I wiped some blood that had filled my mouth , probably bit the inside of my mouth, and continued,   
"Or I will slaughter your entire kingdom!"

The goblins stepped back as I stepped closer to their king, cautious of my fury despite the fact I was limping badly from the scratches on my legs and the crushed feeling in my ribcage. The goblin looked too shocked to do anything- Thorin on the other hand looked immensely glad that he hadn't made me stay in Belegost. 

"Do you hear me you cretinous wretch? Or shall I cut you down where you stand?" I was putting on a whole lot of bravado for someone who could probably fall over if you blew on me too hard.

The King finally swallowed, opening his mouth to answer when a great blade was found to be poking out from behind him, silencing the mass of flesh forever. And out stepped Gandalf, holding all of our weapons in his arms and a knowing smile on his face. "My dear companions, surely we should be finding our way out?"

A goblin stepped forward, an especially small and vicious thing, and bowed to me, taking the   
crown from his king and holding it to me, "You are our new ruler, oh slayer of the beast." It was surprisingly smart also. Apparently. Holy shit I'm still alive.

My eyes widened and I looked over to Gandalf in surprise, only to find the wizard just as shocked as I. I looked back to the goblin, trying to compose myself once more, "I will be your ruler -" The company yelled in protest and I held my hand up and signaled in what little Igleshmek that I knew that I had a plan, "-If you will take my friends up to the surface. Disobey me and I will have you killed in the slowest way possible."

The wiry thing smiled - all terrifyingly sharp teeth- before nodding and telling his brethren to release my companions. He motioned for me to follow and (with a small group of other creatures) lead us to an opening in the mountains. In my body language the entire company (which I'm glad I had spent so long trying to teach my body language) knew to run and I whirled on the goblin party. "I have riches to acquire in the far lands, I expect my kingdom will be in good conditions when I return. If I come and I meet with opposition I will slay each and every one of you pitiful fools. Understood?" 

The goblin who I am mentally calling Sneak ( he looks like a survivor if I ever met one) nodded vigorously with a quick "As you wish my Liege!" And he flew down the tunnels with his brothers leaving my friends in a flurry of confusion.

"The hell just happened?!" I asked, turning to my company who looked ready to flee should I also turn on them.

Bofur was the first to laugh, slapping me on the back in his mirth, "You, OH 'Slayer of the Beast', are now Goblin Royalty!" He dissolved into delirious laughter and the rest followed (probably due to shock) and Gandalf remained with his composure as he looked me over.

"My young friend, do you understand that the goblins will not provide you with the end that you want?" He asked, face grave.

I shook my head , "I know Gandalf, I just lied and agreed to their insanity. But why me? You are the one who slayed their king."

"The goblins fear the warg and I more, you would make a most strong ruler in their eyes. Although I suggest you never again walk through the halls of Moria." The istar's meaning rang with the warning I could not hear- return to the darkness and I will be forced to destroy you.

"Enough of our idleness! Where is our burglar?!" Thorin stopped our merriment as I began to loosen up after the strange turn of events. Making me realize that Bilbo may still be dealing with Gollum (ugh- what a scary thought).

"I am right here!" A soft voice came from behind me, and I whirled to see our little hobbit standing almost a foot from the path we had come, covered in dirt but otherwise fine, "I fell and I have just now found my way to this opening. Glad to see you all are fine."

I stepped forward, scooping the small being into my arms as I hugged him tightly, "Oh my friend! I am glad you are not with my new subjects, I would hate to have to actually rule them now!"   
Bilbo looked at me like I was insane but allowed me to hug him for a while longer. Before Thorin insisted I put our burglar down lest I break him (that arse!). And we made for the road and path to Erebor again.

~except Keller is not lucky and is starting to forget about the movie's plot~

I hate it when I forget things, like Azog bearing down on us and having to flee up the trees. Which left me embarrassed because I needed Bifur to help pull me up into the tree, seeing as I am a very bad tree climber. But the Pale Orc left little to be embarrassed about when I was much more preoccupied with not dying. 

In my haste to not die I didn't notice the tree a majority of the company had jumped to was leaning and nearly falling off the cliff, which was bad, seeing as I would rather not die alone. And then Thorin goes and tries to kill Azog with the same method that didn't work last time and leaves me wanting to smack him upside the head and to just freaking wait! The eagles of Manwe will be here soon and I don't want to have Thorin any more beat up than he is. But I am still badly wounded from my fight with the warg and I know that if I interfered I would likely die.

But, as anyone who has known me for the smallest of times knows, I am stubborn. And I drop from the tree, the sword I had found earlier now back in my possession. If Thorin could be stupid and all epic, then dammit! So could I!

I stabbed the first warg right in it's stupid face and it fell beneath it's rider and left me to lunge with a fury I hadn't felt for at least an hour (gotta be a record at this rate) and render the orc astride it the same fate. Azog was busy killing his sworn enemy, but the rest of the pack? Yeah no, they were busy trying to get to me past the constant stream of pine cones from the company. It was pretty wicked cool, not gonna lie, and would be even better if I wasn't worried about dodging the charging orc-scum and parrying their wild and instinctual thrusts with their wickedly forged weapons.

I saw Thorin fall and I made a run, trying to get to him when Bilbo jumps into the fray, killing the white warg in a single, stupid, push. Leaving me the room to pick both up and carry them to the tree where the company was falling/ being picked up by the eagles. I suddenly remember my fear of heights but jump none the less and hope the eagle under me can bear all of our weight. 

The cries of Azog haunt me as I land in the soft down of the eagle. 

I am exhausted, battered, and want to cry because this is not the last time I will see Thorin this beat. I may feel ostracized by the dwarf, but that does not stop me from wanting him to succeed and live to see Dis return to Erebor for her sons and her stupid brother. The weight of my second battle in as many hours with the forces of darkness causes me to pass out and I do not wake up till much later.


	5. Chapter the Fifth....AKA: Keller does some serious bullshitting to save our asses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller and CO. meet some more opposition. Also, Thorin stop being an Arse to Keller, she's trying to help you idiot.

~much later (don't lie you love us line breaks)~

I feel someone slapping my face and I lift a sore and aching arm back and punch the person. Only to open my eyes and see that it is Dwalin above me with an unreadable expression. I feel myself pale even more, I am going to die and it wasn't even a fair fight. "Oh my Valar I am going to die." I complain as I sit up, opening up my throat to the dwarf, "Just be quick about it ok?"

The warrior laughs with Balin who was standing near, "You cannot hurt me much lass. I was actually more afraid I had broken your jaw trying to rouse you. Thorin is still asleep and Gandalf is waking him so I was tasked to wake you, " He pauses before smirking evilly, "Queen of the goblins." 

I glare as much as possible before I attempt to stand, taking the laughing dwarrow's hand and pulling myself up. Only to fall back down and hiss in agony as I wrap a protective arm around my ribs and cradle my face, which feels like I got a pummeling from a whole legion of orcs. "Oh man, put me out of my misery." I moan as I take to just hugging the ledge of the rock we are standing on.

From the left of me I hear Thorin wake and thank Bilbo for his bravery. I do not see why the hug lasts so long (although the experienced internet side of me - almost forgotten- says it's the beginning to a ship I dare not even speak of now) and am even more surprised when he lets go of the halfling to stand near me.

"Thank you Keller," He pulls me up, holding me at arms length, "You somehow gained a title among the ranks of our enemy and saved us, you drew the other orcs away from me as I fought Azog, and you have proven me so wrong. I am sorry." And I am enveloped in a hug that makes me feel warm and maybe I don't feel so bad now that Thorin doesn't hate me like I thought he did.

"I think I know where we should go for our next stop on this tiring journey, but we must travel more along hidden paths. And know this, company of Thorin Oakenshield, we are now being hunted by the enemy sooner than I had dared to hope. " Gandalf , destroyer of heartfelt moments, says, sobering our triumphant survival.

Bilbo tones down the hurt though by sharing his own opinion on our future, "I do believe the worst is behind us." Which of course, should be true if I can stop forgetting about the movies I had spent obsessing about five months ago. 

If only if only , poor fools sing.....

~that was a delightful note to end on before I skip over to just before Beorn's house~

I sat with the rest of the company behind some high rocks, waiting with baited breath for Bilbo to return. While I know that much of what we're doing is almost verbatim with the movies, I have caused a few changes (such as the whole Moria business- what a plot twist) and I now have fear that some things will not happen as they should.

Just as I get ready to go and slaughter the rest of the pack, Bilbo gives us the sign and we move on, running for the cottage as Beorn, a FREAKING GIANT BEAR, chases us. I am glad for my height again as I open the door with a little trouble and we pile in earlier than they did in the movie, leaving us to barricade the door right as a frightening thump! sounds against the sturdy doors.

"What was that?" Bilbo asks in shock.

"That, " Gandalf slowly answers, "Is our host."

"Oh," I sigh, pretending that I don't know this giant skin-changer already, "So that is the FRIEND that we are going to be protected by?" I emphasized the friend part, hoping the others would pick up on the vibe and realize I did not have the patience to listen to them gripe about a safe place to sleep for the night.

Bilbo, the dear heart, picks up on my tone and joins in my subtle threats, "Yes, it is good that we are safe and will not die tonight." Ok, so maybe not so subtle now.

The others get the message and we all fall in piles on the ground to sleep. I find myself away from the others and closer to the door, where a cooling breeze ghosts across my skin and I can relax. I will sleep well until Beorn returns and then I can enjoy the great man's food. Which I am sorely in need of after three weeks of trekking through the forests and barely enough food for myself (I gave all that I did not absolutely need to the hobbit- who would surely starve if I didn't take care of him) during that time. But I let such worries melt away into the background of my brain as I dreamt of home and good food and maybe my last few lovers (because months on my own left me wanting another human I could confide in and share a bed with). 

The sound of a large animal walking by my head is what rouses me from my slumber, and I find myself being investigated by a large dog while Beorn is pulling on pants in a far off corner of the cottage (causing me to blush like a starry eyed waif- ugh). And to my credit, I don't scream, just calmly allow the great animal to sniff me and when it deems me good enough, pet it as it lays near me.

"Meren does not take to strangers lightly." Beorn says as he appears next to me, painstakingly quiet as he sits near me, "I take it you are a good person, for a child of man."  
I take what I can get, "Thank you Beorn. You are also a great person as well, if your friends are anything to go by."

The skin-changer smiles, standing once more before offering a rather large hand to me, "I should feed such kind guests, would you help me?"

I take his offer much enthused.

~mmmm food cooking montage~

Thirteen dwarves, two tall folk, one halfling, and a great skin changer all sit at a table. And no, this isn't some weird joke, that's breakfast. The company sits around Beorn's table, digging into all the delicious food the skin-changer and I have prepared. 

"Little Bunny!" Beorn laughs as Bilbo reaches for the food around him, and hands the halfling a   
giant pitcher before gently patting the hobbit's small stomach, "You are much too small!"   
Everyone laughs at the blush that colors Bilbo's face (except Thorin- who is a bipolar buzz kill- wait is that a flare of jealousy?!!!) and the hobbit tried to bat away the bear's hands. "I am just fine!"

I smiled from across the table at him, "My friend, he just wants you to be as round as any good hobbit should!" 

Bilbo sighs at the teasing in a good-natured way before we finished up with our feasting. We had a quest to complete anyways. Only three weeks till Durin's Day at this point. 

~Not a time skip- I just hate transitions~

Beorn led us to his horses, giant soft things that were nickering softly at us as we thanked Beorn for his help.

"I am glad to help if you promise to give me back my friends when you reach the woods. And stay on the path, it will be the only safe part of the forest for a long time." Beorn warned, but not before giving his favorite hobbit and I also got a hug (which made me feel really nice and warm and fuzzy despite the lack of oxygen I encountered).

"Thank you Beorn," Gandalf smiled as we mounted our ponies, "May your land flower forever." Sounded like a weird goodbye, but like I said, M.E. was medieval so who was I to judge their weird partings? But before I could ask what the istar meant by that we were off, riding away on the great horses towards Greenwood-oops- Mirkwood, hopefully we could avoid the whole spider debacle, I kinda have a debilitating fear of spiders.

When we arrive at the opening of the forest, I notice the statue at the front is covered in large red splats of paint. It makes me angry that such a beautiful thing should be covered in a disgusting amount of vandalism (although with the Dol Guldur thing will end I think it's probably magic). 

"What a shame..." I trail, looking at the statue and trying to resist the urge to clean off something I will not be able to clean.

It goes unnoticed though, as Gandalf forces the company to agree to go through Mirkwood and then head off by himself, "I would not leave you if I did not think you could do this without you." 

"Gandalf," Bilbo cries before he sets off, "I found something in the cave," OH! Time to zone out and maybe give Thorin a warning that should we meet any elves to not aggravate them because Bilbo and I can only handle so much responsibility of trying to save their arses.

"You would think we will meet the tree shaggers?" Thorin is not happy I suggest this.

But I don't care, "Yes, just as I thought Bilbo would join us, so do I think that we will meet some 'Tree-shaggers' as you so delicately put it. And if we do meet them, let me sweet talk them alright? I don't fancy being fed to the dark creatures that lie in here. A sickness lies upon these lands and I do not want to see how that has affected everything else."

"One thing," Kili interrupts, "What's 'sweet talking'?" 

"It means I get them to believe I'm better than I really am and that they should help us. A scam if you will, but using my charming skills unlike your uncle over there." I explained, throwing look to the king who looked to be skulking again- when isn't he being moody and emotionally constipated?Is this what new love looks like??

"Oh." Kili seemed to be hoping for actual sweets to be involved and I chuckled.

"Yeah, now go round up the boys and I'll soothe your stubborn Uncle and then we can get our behinds into high gear and get out of this forest as quick as possible. I don't want to be in Thranduil's kingdom longer than necessary, no matter how cute everyone says Legolas is." I told the youngest heir, ruffling his hair and blushing as he heard the last part (whispered though it   
was).

~Going through the forest is not going according to plan~

I tried to stay on the path. Really tried, with all my might. I really didn't want to meet the spawn of Shelob, and neither did the company, I'm sure. But after four days of wandering down the path as we should, we were somehow lost. It was like I was on drugs, the whole thing leaving me with a head stuffed with cotton and I couldn't tell where we were (other than lost of course) and the company was suffering even more.

Especially Thorin, he was getting more irritated and ornery, snapping at us when we realized we had somehow strayed off the path and were now stumbling around half blind. But Bilbo? The hobbit seemed to be faring the best as I could tell through the cloud that I kept trying to fight off- and the voice! Ugh, in the forest, away from the protection of the path, it began to whisper to me once more, asking and promising and bribing it's way into my mind. I didn't answer to it- at least- I don't think so. But if we spent much more time like this I was going to go crazy!

"Bilbo!" I yelled, picking up the halfling when I found him again, "Look up in the trees and see if you can find the path again." I then looked him in the eyes with as much seriousness as I could muster, now that I was holding the hobbit I could remember faintly that after this (in the movie) Bilbo had accidentally touched a web and then the spiders had descended like the spawn of satan they were, "But please, whatever you do, do not touch the webs! Gandalf and Radagast warned me of Shelob's spawn dwelling here and I am not overly fond of Spiders."

"Uh y-yes I'll go see to it th-then." He answered, letting me lift him into a tree that I could see had less spider webs than the others.

"How dare you treat our burglar like that!" Thorin bellowed and I felt like the cloud had left and in it's wake a wave of irritability filled me .

"You can't even call him Bilbo!" I answered, I knew we should have been keeping our voices down but by the valar- this man made me want to commit murder! so I decided to throw some acidity his way, "He is our burglar but he is also my friend, something you can't say for yourself can you?!"

The King Under the Mountain had no time to continue when I heard Bilbo shout, "I see it! The Lonely Mountain! We're almost there!" And then I heard something I didn't like, the sound of my hobbit-y friend falling. Straight into the webs and onto the ground by me.

"No." was all I could say before I pulled out my sword and waited for the Satan-spiders to fall on us, "Hurry, grab your weapons! Spiders are coming."

"No, you are just trying to challenge my authority!" Thorin stopped the company in their tracks, "There are no spiders in these woods."

I whirled, about to smack him and point out we're in a forest and that both our encounters with wizards had ended with them mentioning a growing darkness in this place and that Gandalf himself had warned me (he didn't- but I remembered this scene the more I felt that we were coming closer to it), but I was stopped by the blood curdling scream I uttered when the first giant spider let itself down to attack Fili.

My screaming didn't stop as I ran forward and sliced the thing's head off in one clean slice. Nor did it stop when the rest of the company pulled their swords out to help with the execution. I kept screaming even as one of the creatures (a giant daddy long-legs if my terrified mind remembered correctly) fell right on top of me and I passed out. I'm pretty sure I screamed even afterwards.

Thank Yavanna for Bilbo Baggins. I woke up as he cut the company down silently. I stifled my screams as the spiders left to investigate the noise Bilbo had made. When suddenly it occurred to me that Bilbo was wearing the ring- wtf?! 

"Bilbo!" I hissed when he passed me by, "What in the green lady's good name are you doing wearing that thing?!" 

The hobbit did not take lightly to being seen while wearing his precious, "You can see me?!"   
I rolled my eyes as best I could (I also realized my head felt marvelously clear after days in the mind-numbing air of the forest floor, "Not sure why, but yes, take that ring off, I need to see you in something other than vague blurriness."

"You know about the ring?" He sounded incredulous and at this point my insight into the future made me want throw myself from the nearest cliff.

"Yes- now can you-" And as I was about to finish asking him to once again free me I fell on top of the rest of the company and Bilbo was no longer all gray and weirdly blurry. "Thanks Baggins, now get me out of the web!" I was still trying to be quiet but I knew the elves would be here any minute and I desperately needed to be able to talk to the elves if I was going to save our butts.  
I got out just as the spiders returned- and thankfully- I was able to keep from screeching too loudly as Bilbo freed our other members and I fought off the shelob/satan-spawn. And just as I was getting to the point where just maybe, I could not scream, the elves appeared in all their perfect glory. Don't get me wrong, I was thankful that the spiders would be dead soon, but I was in the zone and now I'm no longer going to get the glory for single-handedly defeating the spiders.( Yeah yeah, I know that's not why I got out of the webs first, dammit I wanted to have the glory when I got in the zone!)

Thorin (and everyone else of course) were only just getting to their feet when they found themselves surrounded by tall elves, all armed. "This is all your fault you banshee!" The king accused, running to (probably) kill me. 

But instead was stopped by two elven guards, "Not my fault none of you nitwits would listen to me Thorin." I shrugged turning to Legolas who was looking at me like I had grown another head ,"Hiya Moon-moon!" (the polite side of me that had gotten used to M.E. must've died for a little bit as I did this).

 

Tauriel (in all her BAMF glory) stepped up next to me, "You would dare greet the prince of this realm with such disrespect?" 

Oh god brain, thanks alot, this is worse than most fanfictions you read (please end in Baggenshield-please end in baggenshield), "Uh, hmm, should probably introduce myself and my stupid companions. Sorry about that!" I smiled, still struggling to find where in Mahal's name my manners had gone, " I am Keller Edan, Queen of Moria and Lord over these idiots." The company shouted in protest while the elves looked like they were trying not to laugh, but I continued none the less, pointing to each member as I named them, "Gloin and Oin, sons of Groin. Bifur, Bofur and Bombur - they're my favorites- they don't talk too much. Dori, Nori, and Ori sons of Ri. Balin and Dwalin- they're quiet if you give the bald one cookies and the other one parchment to write on. And Thorin, Fili, and Kili- they tried to lead this quest but we dueled it out and decided I'm more suited to rule over them. Oh! ANd- oh wait he's dead." I stopped myself as I realized Bilbo was sitting on a tree root a little ways away from the elves, grey and blurry (which could only mean one thing).

Legolas' eyebrows furrowed as he took us into account, "My Queen, I am so sorry you were forced to lead these miscreants around our forest- it is not well these days."

I smiled, taking the hand that the elven prince gave me, "Its alright, I have lost most of my manors traveling among these men, it should be me who should be saying sorry. I am seeking an audience with your father- Thranduil- is that possible at this moment?"

The company looked betrayed and I sent them a discreet wink to them (Thorin still looked angry- but what can ya do I just declared myself the queen right in front of him) while Legolas and Tauriel had an intense conversation in Sindarin, which (sadly) I did not understand.

" I am going to destroy you at the first chance I get, you- traitor!" Thorin ground out as I got closer and kneeled down to look at him (the guards looked at me weird but what can I say? I seem to be collecting peoples 'are you crazy' looks today).

I leaned closely, avoiding the kings gnashing lips- what a child- and whispered as quietly as I could, "You may want to rethink what you say my dear, because out of all of us I am least likely to be killed by Thranduil and I know where the body of our burglar lies- he may yet live if I go to him soon- so don't oppose me while we lay in your enemies territory." I knew the elves could hear me but I also knew the others would take after their leader and so when Thorin calmed down and the others followed I didn't object. I also didn't object when Legolas asked me to walk with him to the palace of his kingdom.

~I pulled a plot twist on myself guys, wasn't expecting that whole Goblin thing to tie in~

 

Thranduil agreed to meet me, on the condition my 'companions' would stay in the dungeon during this time, I agreed (man if Thorin could kill people with his glare I would be REALLY dead).And to meet Lee Pace's most alluringly rude character? Count me in!

"Lady Keller, you say you are lord over Moria but I know those halls to be filled with all manner of," He took a breath as we stood in the throne room, allowing me to take a good look at the magnificence before he continued," Unsavory creatures, particularly goblins. How can you rule if such a problem is present?" 

Man, he wasted no time getting to know me,I gulped, my answer would probably result in being killed for being a servant of darkness (and not BAMF like I wished I was), "I killed the Goblin King and the others declared me Queen, I use them for safe travel through the mines and to help my company when I need it. I am on my way to Erebor, I know you have treasure you want within it."

I decided I probably shouldn't dawdle either, Bilbo was motioning in what little Igleshemek he knew for me to hurry so we could get the company out of prison. And Thranduil look surprised by my confessions, "And yet you are not a servant of evil? How came you by the knowledge of my wants. So, the dwarf in your midst is Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror?!"

Man, does everyone in Middle Earth just spend their time going in circles?! "No, I am a friend of the light, but first we must make our quest to Erebor so I can finish other quests in my sights. I offer you the stones you desire, white gems of starlight? So that you will help when the army of orcs arrives and you have to fight with the dwarves of the Iron Hills in a few weeks. Thorin-" I paused, walking closer to the visibly shaken elf, "Thorin will be consumed with Gold Sickness when we will arrive in Erebor- we know a way in stop giving me that look- I would appreciate that I have someone to help me while I help his Royal Highness regain his homeland. And afterwards I will need to take your son on a quest that will involve everyone on Arda. So help me Thranduil I am not evil!" The king had begun to step towards me, the guards following his lead but they abruptly stopped when the king of the forest began to laugh.

"Such fire in one so young!" He smiled and I contemplated the sanity of the king who stood before me.

"Uh, thanks?" I was fairly confused, for one who still felt the loss of his wife sharply, Thranduil was being fairly level headed and I wasn't imprisoned so...I'm just not going to look a gift horse in the mouth, "I will bring you your jewels if you will help my company and I reach the lonely mountain- or at least help us to LakeTown." I pledged, tacking on the last bit with a sense of diplomatic urgency I hadn't felt since I had tried to get Thorin to like me almost six months ago.  
The King of Mirkwood smiled gratefully, "I will help you then, Lady Keller, for how could I abandon such a request with such sweet rewards promised me?" Aaanndd Thranduil is back to being a moody lump as he turned and his face darkened before muttering about how his love would not be forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always (no it's not I am as consistent as the weather) please leave comments and Kudos to keep me motivated! I love to hear from you guys what you think.


	6. The end is NIGH!!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller leaves the king of the hypocritical moody teenagers. And then some sad shit goes down. Don't feel too bad though, wait till tomorrow.

~Whoo! How you doin'? Not as good as Keller- Queen of Moria and pro-elf-negotiator!~

You would think as the girl who had saved their rears from being stuck in freakin' prison they'd be more appreciative of myself. But, then, we have the lovely Thorin.

"YOU traitor!" Thorin shouted as soon as he was let out, charging at me before pinning me to the wall behind me, "I should have your head for such insolence!"

I sighed as he crushed my stomach with his arms and looked down with my best impersonation of Thranduil, "I saved you from imprisonment. I do not intend to lead you fools to Erebor and I will not be ruler over more than ONE place thank you very much!" I pushed him off me and began walking away, the elven guards looking so conflicted (should they arrest me for not being the true leader of the company or should they arrest thorin for attacking a monarch that was now friendly with their king?).

Bofur fell into step with me, concern on his face, "Wait? We were going to be imprisoned?"  
I sighed again (jeez, I am sighing a lot today aren't I?) "Thranduil was not going to let Thorin pass through here without asking him to do a favor- which I will gladly do- and we all know Thorin would refuse. I had to lie a bit to save our hides, " I rubbed a section of ribs that Thorin had shouldered a bit harshly, "His Highness could have been a bit more grateful."

Bofur resumed his normal smiling and patted me on the back,"Well then, I'll be grateful for any who think you traitor. I don't want to be in those cells any longer than absolutely necessary." He shuddered and grabbed my hands, "Come, let's find the others and look at getting some food, I'm starving."

I laughed and thought that maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Bofur still believed in me.

~MAN THORIN? Why you gotta be so rude?!~

Thranduil, thankfully, didn't speak of our agreement and instead sent us packing as soon as possible with enough supplies to get us to laketown where we met Bard (who still gave us a lift there- this time legally and sans the stinking barrels) and stayed there with happy little Bardlings and the Master of Laketown, who all but showered us with compliments.

Thorin, throughout all this, just looked rather dejected while we were being watched by the Mirkwood elves and tried not to throttle me whenever I knelt to talk with him. Which was nice, I didn't really want to have giant hand marks on my neck when I helped Bilbo kill Smaug (which they didn't know I was planning on doing- but I already talked Bard into giving it to me along with a large bow with which to shoot it) -terribly unprofessional.

And as we rested and healed in the city of man I found myself withdrawing into myself. The city was full of life. It was full of my people- a contact I had been craving since Imladris. And yet, these were not MY people. These were people of M.E. and not just Earth. I was alone with myself and I was want for company of something to fill it.

Bilbo tried his best. Bofur used his arsenal of corny jokes. Fili and Kili played pranks in an attempt. The others spoke soothing words. I didn't respond, the full weight that I would probably be here for until I died (and we had seen how difficult that was) and never see my family and friends again hurt me. I had addressed this pain earlier on, and had kept an optimistic air, but this time I felt like there was no hope to be found.

Bard decided to help with that of course.

I was sitting at a window in Bard's home as he had invited us to eat with him and I sighed again as I imagined what my family must have been doing- it had been roughly six months since I had met the company and snow was thick on the waters- I supposed they were probably enjoying readying for Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

"Lady Keller, I see you are thinking deeply again." Bard stated as he took a seat next to me, a bowl of stew in his hand, "You sigh often, what is troubling you so that you do?"  
I looked over to the bowmen, "I have resigned myself to living amongst this land for the rest of my life. It is a depressing thought compared to when I thought Gandalf could help me return to my land. I miss my family also." I bit my lip as a single tear made it's way down my face, now would not be the time to emotional, "I love this place, but my family and friends are sorely missed."

Bard smiled sadly, putting an arm around my shoulder, "I understand the want for your family. When my wife died I felt much the same for many years. But take courage, you are surrounded by people who seem to care for you deeply." He motioned with his free hand at the dwarves who were making merry and singing bawdy songs in Khuzdul, " They may not be your flesh and blood but they are your family here."

I smiled weakly, wiping at my face as I realized that I had begun crying in earnest now, "Thank you Bard, I needed that." I stood up, joining my friends and felt a weight had been lifted from my heart and shoulders. 

I may not see my real family anytime soon but while I waited I had a good family here also. And I decided to let fate alone while I drank with my friends and relished this warm feeling that would disappear when we left for the mountain in two days.

~YAY KELLERS NOT SO SAD ANYMORE!!!! ALSO- DRAGONS!!!~ 

 

We left that day with a loud farewell from the town and set off towards Erebor. I felt a pit settle into my stomach as I handled the bag Bard had given me, filled with my weapons and the black arrow. I would head into the mountain with Bilbo and I would slay Smaug to save Laketown even if it meant the others might die after me. For surely I would die from trying to kill a dragon with a weapon I wasn't too good at using. 

The pit deepened into a gaping chasm as I realized that if I failed- and died- or if I succeeded, Thorin would still probably succumb to the Dragon sickness with or without me. I looked over to the King who was splayed over the bottom of our boat (not because I am afraid- he'd told me- because I am not keen on falling over) and took a deep breath, "Thorin, if I were to die I need you to know something."

"What is it?" Thorin now looked suspicious and even loosened his rigid body to see me better, "Why do you think you shall die?"

I grimaced before continuing, "I have a somewhat shaky sense of the future and if I succeed with my mission then I may end up dead." The question forming on his lips was silenced by a piercing look I sent ,"I know that you will succumb to the Gold Sickness and I need you to know that you need to keep out of the treasury ok? Bilbo will help us at a great risk and if you are under the influences of the sickness you will hurt him-" He made a sound of protest and I glared, "I need you to help the men of Laketown and give Thranduil a necklace of his wife's, you will need their help with the army of orcs that will be coming in a few days. " I was nearly finished and plowed through the end, "And Thorin- if you battle Azog, and you think he's dead? Do NOT follow his body if it ends up under the water, you will die. I have seen it many times and if you are to live you must not follow his body. And Fili and Kili should remain with you no matter what- otherwise they WILL die. Do you understand me?" I was almost crying, I needed him to understand this so much. I had cared for these men for a long time- even before I ended up in this world- and I wanted to keep them all alive even if I died in the process.

Thorin saw my expression and finally got up, carefully making his way over to me and set a hand on my shoulder before smiling at me in melancholy "You have done me a great service Keller. I hope you can forgive me for calling you a traitor when you have only been trying to protect my men and I." He then blushed, "And why mention Bilbo so specifically? I do not kill him do I?"

For a brief moment, the fangirl part of me wanted to scream to the heavens that THANK THE VALAR THORIN LOVED BILBO AND JUST MAYBE BILBO LOVED HIM TOO, but I restrained myself to a knowing smirk, "You are bad at hiding your longing stares from everyone but our dear hobbit. And no, you don't kill him, you threaten to throw him from a battlement before curing yourself from the sickness in a most unpleasant manner."

 

The King grumbled under his breath about skewering meddlesome wizard-y girls (Thorin- I promise I am not a wizard) before thanking me and returning to the bottom of the boat. Leaving it silent once more on our ride to the far shore of The Lonely Mountain.  
We arrived entirely too quickly, with almost another eight hours before we could open the door and I found myself pacing the shore like a caged animal, nervous energy coming off me in waves as I contemplated the best way to announce I would be going in with Bilbo if it was the last thing I did.

Balin, bless his soul, noticed my anxiety and put a comforting hand on my shoulder, "Something troubling you Lassie?"

I tried to quell the feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me to spill the beans about my incredibly stupid idea and attempted to smile at him. "I am just worried Bilbo will hurt himself while looking for the Arkenstone. Is there ANY way for me to join him? Do I have a different smell from your humans here? Can I please keep him safe?" I tried to show how worried I was without seeming like I had planned this.

Balin grimace/smirked, looking over at Bilbo who was getting some weird speech from Thorin (please be a confession of love- AWWW HE'S BLUSHING!) , "You can ask Thorin after he's done talking to Bilbo, I'm sure he'd like someone to watch over him." He then raised an eyebrow in evil knowing before continuing, "Mahal knows how besotted he is with his burglar."  
I laughed then, a high and hyena-esque thing that left me gasping for breath, "Y-you a-a-are e-evil!" I laughed falling to the ground and rolling along the sand as the rest of the company probably questioned my sanity.

I was stopped when I accidentally rolled into Thorin's side, his boot stopping me from rolling any farther, "And, pray tell, what exactly is so funny??"

I looked up from the sand, grimacing at his now stormy expression (as compared to the blushy/awkward one from earlier, "Uhhhhhhhhh....Nori farted?"

Everything around us had gone deathly quiet until the company burst into laughter. All of us were soon on the ground on our knees and clutching our stomachs in an attempt to keep our insides on the inside.

Thorin just rolled his eyes at us and gave a half smile, "Thank you so much for that Keller, it's just what we needed to hear about- Nori's digestion tract acting up."  
I got up, now serious, "Well hey, what's a girl to lead up to her important question without some fun right?"

Thorin raised an eyebrow again, "And what are you asking of me?"

 

I smiled pleadingly, " I was- uh- wondering if -uh- I could accompany Bilbo into the Mountain so he would be safe?" I widened my smile to the point of it sort of creepy " Pleeeeaasse???"  
I'm pretty sure I heard Dwalin in the background snickering about a queen bowing to her king and I was tempted to look away from Thorin and send the eyes of death to my now least favorite company member. But I even used my puppy dog eyes on him, trying to not seem too ridiculous although that was a lost cause.

Thorin sighed and turned away, " I see no reason why- but we must find the entrance first!"  
I smiled, glad that I had spent my time wisely, "Easy enough, Bilbo I think you mentioned something odd about those statues over yonder?"  
Bilbo smiled gratefully at me, "Yes, I noticed stairs over there! It probably leads to the door!"  
Thorin smiled fondly at him (THEY'RE IN LOVE HOLY CRAP I AM SO EXCITED MY OTP!!!!!) and lead us to the door, leaving me to remember my fear of dying from when I was younger (and like, earlier today, but whatever).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Leave your comments and kudos and let me know how you like it! Also, I finished up writing the first book and it ends shortly after BOFA but if you would like to I already have a couple of chapters for the second book.


	7. OH SHIT it's a dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller VS Smaug  
> Keller sends Bilbo to find the Arkenstone and she will attempt to kill Smaug while he still sleeps (hopefully).....hell sketchy things happen so be forewarned kay?

~Holy shiitake mushrooms that was a long hiking up the statues sequence I didn't wanna write~

I decided to let this scene take it's course as I watched the boys flail around like headless chickens as they searched the mountainside for the door. They were exceptionally hilarious.  
"Why do you laugh Keller???" Bifur asked me ( I hoped I remembered what little Khuzdul I knew) in his searching he noticed me trying to be as silent as possible about my laughter.

I smiled, "I have promised Gandalf not to say anything more about this subject but know that you will find your door soon Master Bifur." I didn't really have to pretend anymore, but it amused me to distress the dwarves with my foresight.

Thorin looked like he was giving up and I snickered as he made his way towards the stairs. 

"WAIT!" Bilbo shouted, and I took this time to snatch up the key before he nearly kicked it off the cliff next to us (reminding me of my strong dislike of heights), "IT'S THE LIGHT OF THE MOON! THAT'S THE LAST LIGHT OF DURIN'S DAY!"

"Well done, Master Bilbo, you have saved me great humiliation." (now KISS) Thorin smiled warmly at us before taking the key and opening the door (wait- crap- smaug can smell us now!) while I hefted the bow and black arrow over my back. "Good luck with your searching Miss Edan and Mister Baggins."

I smiled, now sad to say goodbye to my friends as we stepped into the mountain, Bilbo stepping carefully behind me. "Bilbo," I whispered once we were out of hearing range of our friends, "I ask that you would put on your ring, and if I die during this, that you will give it to Gandalf- it is a ring of great evil and it will not affect you too much now it will affect you later- and not for the better. The arkenstone will be near the bottom of wherever you decide to search, trust me. And Bilbo, thank you for coming with us, I really enjoyed your companionship and bravery. So did Thorin." I threw in the last bit for the reaction really, seeing as he stopped dead in his tracks and turned a glorious shade of red in his embarrassment.

"It-it's not- uh- OH confusicate you stange big folk!" He was so adorably flustered and I withheld the urge to sweep the child-sized man into my arms for one last hug, but he calmed and looked up at me gratefully, "But thank you for the advice. I will no doubt value it when it is more relevant. Let us go and see the dragon."

I gulped but nodded, taking in Bilbo as he transitioned from colorful and sharp and crisp to the blurry greys of the veil. I put a finger to my lip as I told him what was unnecessary- to be silent. I slipped off my soft boots and pulled out the bow, drawing the bow back in uneasy anticipation of the dragon I would meet before realizing I might be able to live if I shot him AFTER I found him. I stuck the weapons back and crawled forward, withdrawing a small jewel I found from a niche along the hall. It might be a good thing to present the dragon with a gift if I wanted to live long enough to kill him.

It happened quickly, but we were soon walking into Erebor. The great, the magnificent, the- creepy tomb of death and sadness with an overbearing scent of madness and fire. I shivered and looked to Bilbo who glanced at me once before scurrying towards where the Arkenstone would undoubtedly be. I went around him, heading where I could have sworn the gold had moved, motioning away a curious Bilbo as I approached Smaug - Chiefest of Calamities and Last Great Drake of the North. 

I breathed deeply as I saw his eye snap open, "What are you doing?"

I gulped deeply, noticing Bilbo making his way to a brightly lit stone (the Arkenstone- I realized) and began my flattery of the dragon, "Oh Smaug, Chiefest of Calamities. I have long wished to gaze upon your greatness, to bask in the glory of your evil and malignant aura!" I bowed deeply , " You are a being which I have long wished to meet, to see if any of the old legends did you proper justice lest I change their fates." I kneeled down, basically kissing at the dragons feet as fear and bile rose through my body, "They do you no justice my Liege, for you are far more awe-inspiring than they could ever hope for."

Smaug preened at my words, "You are smart, for such a young girl. I am almost tempted to let   
you live, if only to see your dwarven friend's faces when they realize you are my new pet."   
I swallowed thickly, this was not according to plan, "OH Smaug, I bring you a gift that you might let me behold you and live to tell the tale. " I pulled the white and gold gem out (might have been quartz but shhh I didn't know much about that kind of thing).

Smaug leered down at me, great eyes boring holes to my very core, " You are a good flatterer child, tell me, what is your name that I might remember such a kind sounding meal."

 

OH SHI- I took a deep breath, trying to still myself as I saw Bilbo sneaking away with the Arkenstone, " I am Keller Edan, Queen of Moria and friend of many who would seek to destroy your enemies." I stood, bowing once more before daring to look at the drake again.

"I have no enemy that I cannot destroy, but you are a Queen you say?" Smaug began shrinking, he was the size of maybe Beorn, " I have not seen a woman in many years.." (Oh shit this is getting hella creepy).

I steeled myself before looking at him, "I would not deny that you can handle any who would dare attack you, but my company- full of traitors who I can barely keep in check- wish me dead that they might kill you." I looked him up and down, trying not to feel too weird that Smaug was in a human-ish form, " I did not know the drakes of the North could hold the shape of a human."

Smaug took a step forward and I fought the urge to vomit at his scarily seductive advances (damn you Cumberbatch and your voice!), "It has not been common knowledge for many Ages, " He put a scaly arm on my shoulder, claws on his hands laying on my extremities in an attempt to probably seduce me ( I think I am gonna vomit- I am so confused!) , "Dragons do not choose to be with humans - often." 

I felt like fleeing and also like touching the face that was suddenly in front of mine, it was an interesting looking texture and I wondered what exactly the creepy dragon had in store for me, "I wonder why, you are most pleasurable to look at in any form." That was a dirty- rotten lie, they were just cool as dragons not as people- that just looked awkwardly sexy yet repulsive.  
I saved from whatever Smaug had planned when the company burst into the treasury room (COME ON ARE YOU KIDDING ME GUYS????!!!!) and the drake turned around to view the intruders.

"Step away from our fortune telling wizard girl!" Kili shouted as he pulled his sword free and ran forward.

Smaug turned back to me, "A wizard? I guess I am graced with good fortune still. You will make a most useful pet, yet." (ewwww)

I smiled, "Mind them not, I know of how to bring them to their knees. My Liege, if you would go and find me an acceptable room I will dispose of the scum." This was a bit much for me to be ordering around the dragon who had last minute decided not to kill me because of my non-existent rule over the mines of Moria.

But Smaug looks surprised and complied, walking past me with a creepy brush of his hand against my cheek, "As you wish my pet, I would like to see their heads after you are done."  
I watched him walk away from us still in his human form, eyes wide in disgust and fear before looking at the dwarves. 

They swarmed me, all wearing expressions of concern (and extreme horror at the thought of what Smaug had suggested about me), "Are you all right?!" Fili asked before pulling back and looking me over, "The disgusting creature didn't throw himself upon you did he?"

I stepped back and held my hands up to silence the men, "If you want to live I need you to listen to me very closely. Smaug, I think, wishes to lay with me which will not be happening! But.... I need a distraction so that I can take him by surprise and stab my arrow through his heart."  
And a plan came to life with the help of my boys. I was to save Erebor and maybe even gain myself a bit of dragonhide armor.

~HOLY time skip BATMAN!~

I searched for 'my liege' (ugh I wanted to puke), "Smaug, my liege? I have terrible news," I moaned abit as I felt my swollen and beaten face (all using some elixir Oin had- that shady bastard) "The dwarves..."

Smaug was next to me in a heartbeat, face contorted in surprising concern, "My pet, what have those scum done to your body? That which is mine to claim?!" He growled, holding a hand to my face before I winced in faux pain. "I will take their lives for that."

I took his hand and cupped it carefully trying to feign the love and admiration from earlier (OH my gods I think I'm dying inside this is SO sketch). "My love, I would that you hunt them in this form, this would make you worthy of my body, that which I would give willingly but would be so much sweeter when hard won."

It was a shitty kind of plan to order a dragon who had lusted-at-first-sight when he saw me to fight a small troop of men that were part of a species that he hated with a passion. But for whatever small miracles followed me like ducklings the dragon/man gave me an evil smirk and left with a small caress of my cheek which I remembered to wince at as he stalked off to kill the dwarves I had come to love as if they were my children (except Balin- who was like my uncle/grandpa of sorts).

I was going to hunt after him, take the black arrow and strike it through his heart but I ended up puking in a bucket I found in another niche. Pretending to be honestly attracted to a being I knew was pure evil and yet had the voice of an angel left me feeling nausea about my conflicted feelings.

But, if nothing else, I was good at finishing my tasks and I would be damned if I failed to stab the dragon in the back. I followed him as quietly as I could, always behind a pillar of in an alcove where I could hide my body from his view and could still keep an eye on him.

 

"Oakenshield! How dare you damage my pet, that whose body I will treasure as many times as I can." I heard him laugh lowly and I put a fist in my mouth to keep from barfing more as Smaug described in detail what being his pet would entail.

He had found the family UR (which is what I learned was Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur's family name) when I leapt forward and thrust the arrow through his heart. " I will be no man's slave!" The blood pounded through my heart and I thrust the arrow all the way through his form.  
Smaug let out a scream of anguish and burst into flames before falling to the ground. "Holy freaking Valar that worked!"

"By the gods he's dead!"Bombur shouted before patting me heavily on the back,"Well done lassie! "

"Nice last words 'no man's slave'- bloody brilliant!" Bofur continued his family's rounds of compliments while I enjoyed a bone crushing hug from Bifur, "You showed that dragon what for!"  
I laughed at their compliments before the full weight of what I had done went through me and I realized I had killed the Bane of Erebor and the line of Durin for seventeen decades (170 years for those who are too lazy to calculate that). I then promptly passed out.

Good job Keller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Might not update for a few days while I celebrate my lil' sisters B-day. So leave your thoughts in the comments and Kudos if you think I'm doing good.


	8. HOLY SHIT- it's a battle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller wakes up and is thrust into the BOFA Also, shit goes down!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was able to edit the chapter while watching my sister and her friends. (13 y/os are freakin crazy halp me!)

~Wow she sure slept for a long time~

I woke up amidst the sounds of war. Shouting was echoing throughout the mountain, and I quickly stood and grabbed the shirt of mail from a chair nearby and pulled out my sword which was still slung across my hips.

I made my way out of the mountain by some miracle and I was assaulted immediately by the stench of death and war. Goblins and orcs were screaming on all sides while the Men, Elves, and Dwarves retaliated with wave after wave of swords, arrows, and other weapons. It was chaos, pure and utter chaos. 

I smiled before throwing myself into the throng, freeing my enemies heads from their shoulders and stabbed them through their hearts. It was not as glorious as the movies had made it seem but I remembered as I fought that I should be making my way to the top of the waterfall so that Thorin would most certainly not die. I'd be damned if all the things I had reveled were all for naught.

~Epic fighting to the Durins~

 

I made my way through the waves of enemies and was through slicing off another disgusting Uruk Hai's head when I saw the Durins (including Dwalin) fighting off Azog and Bolg's personal guard and Azog approaching from behind to kill Thorin. 

I wasted no time in heading after the pale douchebag, sword raised for his death. I was met by his son instead, Bolg's disgusting face showing his murderous intent. He screamed as we clashed and I felt a shudder go through my tiring limbs as we fought. He was strong and his hits left my arms shaking. I was sweating profusely but I knew that if Thorin was to survive the confrontation he needed my help against his enemy and it's spawn.

What felt like ages passed, Bolg soon finding that I was no mere warrior. We were evenly matched and at this rate we would be fighting till we were dead from exhaustion. "Son of a warg!" I screamed as I let my guard drop to glance at the boys (they seemed to be a bit more battered than I but that was expected) and Bolg took the opportunity to drag his blade across my right arm. It burned and I was probably going to contract a disease because the blade was so caked with blood. I screamed again as he pushed forwards suddenly catching his second wind.

"Keller!" A voice called in the distance as Bolg advanced on me and I desperately searched for a chink in the scum's defenses, taking a chance and jabbing into a small section of open skin along his upper chest/neck area, drawing a nice line of black blood to the surface.   
I felt like laughing as Azog's son yelled in pain and put a hand on the wound before he glared sharply at me. He said something in the Black Speech and I was pretty sure that it was nothing flattering. I leapt forward, only to have his death taken from me by Tauriel who had swooped in to steal my kill (why do the elves steal my thunder? Is it freaking 'no glory to Keller' day?). "You are injured my Queen."

I looked up to see her playful smirk before I glared back, "Thank you, for pointing out that little detail. Mind telling me where I can find the sons of Durin?"

The she-elf pointed me in the right direction and i saw Fili and Kili facing off against what was left of the guard and Thorin facing off against Azog the Defiler. "Thanks Tauriel!" I yelled behind me as I ran, despite wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball somewhere and pick up where I left off in my last dream. 

Thorin was not doing too hot, it had been at least five hours since I had heard the battle and I knew it had to have been waging long before that as the sun was beginning to set. The King Under the Mountain was failing in strength and there was only so much on dwarf could do. I saw Azog land a particularly bad blow on his right arm. I felt the breath leave my body as I saw it- that was Thorin's sword arm! "Azog!!" I screamed, stopping the orc as he turned to look at me, "Come and fight me Azog! You who has hunted the most useless part of my family. Fight the true heir of the line of Durin (more squawking noises from the boys)!" That was total bullshit but it had distracted the orc long enough for Thorin to run to his nephews and to safety.

On a list of stupid things I had done, challenging the orc they called DEFILER was probably at the top of the list. Azog noticed Thorin was gone and he was less than pleased with me for it. He charged at me, cinderblock on a chain swinging around him in an arc of death and destruction, so angry and not focused enough that he even took out some of his own men. 

I wanted to scream because I was tired and terrified and just wanted to sleep. But I stood my ground, dodging and rolling from his attacks while the Durins sounded like they did back at the Goblin Caves in Moria. I held back the want to roll the eyes back and stabbed back at the orc lord-king?- and tried not to die. Sooner or later the eagles would arrive and I would live to see another day. But it was hard and my arms burned with all their exertion. My spine felt like snapping in half with all the jumping and avoiding of death I had been doing.

Amongst my thoughts Azog got a blow on my right leg (thankfully not my dominant one) and I screamed in agony, the leg was definitely broken. Azog said nothing but a few profanities in my directions before he tried to earnestly fight me. I noticed the ice around us cracking like it did in the last film and I nearly cried in joy. I could defeat Azog with a few well placed hits and jump back and wait for him to go over the falls or jump out like the satanic spawn he was.

We danced, like two beasts locked in an eternal fight. I would probably die, I knew that. I was a curious person and no doubt I would end up dying if I followed the 'corpse' to the end. He was anger, hot and deadly. And I was fear, quick and light on my feet but heavy on my heart. We fought, and fought, and fought until I was damned near sure my limbs would fall off as I waited for the right amount of ice to crack around me and leave me with some space to jump back.

AND FINALLY! Azog's cinderblock of doom stuck in the ice and I took the chance to smile wickedly before stepping away from my spot, watching the orc go down in the water with a face of shock as I threw a dagger I'd found last minute (thank you Nori and all your shady-as-shit teaching!) into his one good eye. I didn't dare follow the body, and waited till I thought he should be at the edge of the falls before I looked for him. He was blue and dying ( I stayed well enough away from the strike zone) and I nearly whooped with glee as I saw him go over the edge.

"HOLY MOTHER OF THE GODS HE IS DEAD AND I AM ALIVE AND HOLY SHIT THORIN I WANT TO BE ASLEEP SOMEONE CATCH ME I'M PASSING OUT SEE YA SUCKERS!" And I felt strong arms circle around my waist before I was engulfed by welcome darkness. I need to work on this whole ‘Keller-passes-out-over-everything’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always please tell me what you think about the story. Book two has like a chapter and a half ( I don't really divide these up before I edit....) and any Kudos if you really like what I'm doing!


	9. THE END IS NIGH!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller wakes up after she passed out on the field.  
> Bilbo won't admit that he needs to dispose of the ring (at least not on his own).  
> Thorin says some mushy things (and blushes but I think I forgot to mention that.  
> And Bard and Arwen are there??? (idk man I just write it down)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the last chapter of this book- I will be posting for the second book! But I need your guys' opinions on whether this was too fast paced. I am trying to fix that but I'm a bit impatient sometimes. Also, I will post the first chapter of the second book here (well part of it anyway) as an enticement tomorrow.

"Melekunith (Khuzdul for Child) wake up. You must wake up."

I groaned as I tried to wake myself up, feeling as though I had been hit by a truck, and then got run over by a train. And maybe got worked over with a sledgehammer. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes and I took a sharp breath, only to burst into full on sobs as my ribs alerted me to the fact that they were definitely broken. "I'm awake." I sniffed, quashing my tears in change for some burly outward stoicism.

I looked opened up my eyes to find myself in a new room, richly furnished with large furs and fantastical furniture. But I found myself surrounded by the company, Bard (and the little Bardlings), and Arwen. 

"Welcome to the world of the living lassie!" Oin laughed, patting one of my knees gently, "You tried to leave us much too early."

Thorin stepped forward as everyone began to argue about how much they had missed me (Bard just rolled his eyes and his children just looked excited by their surroundings) , "You have done much for our quest Keller."

I smiled, "Yes, but I have also done much to endanger you at times."

He held up a hand as I went to continue, "No, even when we thought death was certain you were there to help. You took good care of our company and I will be eternally grateful for that." He pulled Bilbo forward, "I would also like to thank you for pushing me to admit my feelings for Bilbo." 

I resisted the urge to make a scary gurgling noise in happiness (it sounded like gollum and a cat had a demon baby)and instead just smiled widely. " Good for you! I was afraid I was going to be listening to the two of you gripe about each other until I died!" They both turned bright red and the rest of our companions laughed at their expense.

Balin clapped me on the back when I sat up, causing me to wince but I smiled through the pain, "Azog was found in the river a ways down and his head now sits outside the gates. You have been names Keller dragon-slayer. Along with She-who-defeated-the-bane-of-the-west, friend of the Elves (and Dwarves)...Queen of the Caves of Death. Quite the array in my opinion." 

I blushed red, as I realized it was my fault that I would probably end up being called by these names for the rest of my life, "Aw man......I can never be just Keller again can I?"

Dwalin chuckled from the corner of the room, "No, you'll be stuck as the girl with a shit-ton of names."

"DWALIN!" Sigrid squawked, "There are children present!"

 

Everyone froze as it sunk in that the Bardlings were still there, "Ooops?" I asked. And just like that we were back to laughing and joking. Everyone had come to see me awaken after a battle with the pale orc and I felt warm and fuzzy all over as my friends sat around me, a weight I'd held since I first joined the quest falling off my shoulders and I realized I had done it. I had kept the Durins alive (albeit a bit scuffed up), helped to reclaim Erebor, and destroyed the ring- OH NO THE RING!!!

"Bilbo!" I jerked up as I realized I still had one last thing to do, "Remember what I told you about your treasure?" I tried to convey what exactly I was talking about through a series of intense stares at his personage.

The hobbit spluttered, "Th-the what?"

I glared, "The ring, my friend! Have you done as I asked?!" I was nearly out of bed in my haste to see The Ring destroyed, "I told you of it's evil have I not?" 

By now everyone was staring intently as I tried to escape my bed and Oin held me down (for your own good lassie! Your leg's clean broke!). "I-I forgot! It's not your place to tell me what to do Keller! I am thirty years your senior Missy!"

Gandalf shooed everyone out as the atmosphere darkened and he remained, staying to listen in on the impending argument. "What ring, Bilbo? What do you speak of Keller?"

I took a calming breath, "Bilbo found a ring while we were in my kingdom. It is the ring of Sauron, who I now you have fought in Dol Guldur. It is imperative that you destroy it. BILBO HAND HIM THE RING!"

Bilbo looked like he was contemplating jumping out of the balcony to my left (wow we were high up- that would NOT end well),"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Gandalf it's in his waist coat pocket, be careful! And then take it to Mt.Doom and cast it into the fire, or I fear that you will never be free of His shadow." I gave another sharp glare in Bilbo's direction before looking over the Wizard, "You must believe me."

"I believe you Lady Keller." And then Gandalf picked up his friend gently while the hobbit struggled and spoke of his 'precious' and how he wouldn't part with it. I nearly cried, "Bilbo Baggins, since when has a piece of evil incarnate be more important than your friends, more precious than Thorin?" Oooh that was low Gandalf, very low. But Bilbo dropped the ring and he sobbed in shame as he was let go and he sunk to his knees. 

"Bilbo, I told you of what it would do to you, " I gingerly moved my body over and dragged him onto my bed, laying him next to me, "That ring would have consumed you. It promised you great things but it would follow through with none of it and you would just end up a malicious ghost who remembered none of your life and loved ones. I only wish to protect you dear." (dear inner psychiatrist, thank you for that bit of word vomit, sincerely- myself).

Bilbo gazed at me through his now red eyes, "Thank you for caring, it told me I would be able to stay with Thorin and keep him by my side forever and that I would have the most happy and luxurious life a hobbit could want if I only listened. I am sorry I fell under it's spell."

I smiled, patting his hair and wiping his tears from his face, emotionally drained from all the drama over such a short time, "It's ok. I don't think I could resist either. " I then carefully set him on his feet and gave him a push towards the door, "You don't need to apologize to me. Just go and spend time with your friends. You need to reassure them that you are not going anywhere soon. By Yavvana, the boys looked like they were so distraught by the thought of you not being there to make Thorin smile like an idiot."  
He smiled and nodded, making his way out and leaving me smiling fondly at him.

"What a strong race, hobbits are, I fear what would become of them if they turned to the darkness." Gandalf spoke up. 

I smiled, turning to him as he finished putting the ring in an envelope he had produced from his robes, "I think we will not have much to fear. After the ring is destroyed it will be an unforeseeable amount of time before we need to worry about such things like impending doom and darkness."

All was well, the ring was to be destroyed, my OTP was a real thing, Gandalf was my friend (sort of) I had done everything I had sought to accomplish. And when I felt sleep tugging at me back into it's warm embrace, I smiled and felt that maybe, just maybe, I wanted to stay. I was the most at peace since I was sixteen. Living here would be fine. If only I could live here forever. If only, if only, I heard as I fell into the abyss of sleep. If only, if only.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, leave me your thoughts and kudos! And do not cry my friends, I will update later and you will have a new book to read..... after I spend about another month or so writing the entire thing down so you can have fast updates again....yup, please don't kill me! I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!  
> -Sylver out-


	10. SNEAK PEEK TO BOOK TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OH hey.... guys.... this is the chapter where Keller ends up in another weird place, and this time, she's not missing home, she misses her boys.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! So this is that sneak peek I promised you like, a month ago. Sorry about the delay I was just really busy with school and real life decided to smack me upside the head. Sorry 'bout that..... ENJOY!

"What do you mean 'disappeared'!?!" Thorin was not a happy man. In fact, he was down right livid. "Find her! NOW!" 

Thorin had not spent almost a year with the insane woman to have her suddenly up and leave them in the middle of their official reclamation of Erebor. And, not that he would ever admit it, he was rather fond of Keller.

Gandalf raised his hands in defense and looked at the king in utter disbelief,"I am just telling you what i have witnessed! She was falling asleep one moment and the next she was gone! Strange things are afoot."

Thorin rubbed at his temples, today had been stressful enough, without the child going missing, and now he just wished for death to steal him quickly. He groaned before giving orders for a search team to locate his....friend.

"Mahal have mercy on my poor self." He muttered as he began to organize a second team of Dain's men, because the Valar knew that in this mountain anything could happen and Keller could be anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all your support throughout this! The kudos and few comments I got really helped me push through to the end. And if you thought this was a bit rushed, fear not, I will be editing this and revising as soon as I am through with the second book. Everything I write gets a once over after I've finished whatever accompanies it. So hold on my dears!  
> -Sylver out!


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